The importance of being consistent?

I was diagnosed when I was sixteen. I have been in treatment and on medicine since then off/on. I found that my quality of life is better when I am on the medication consistently. I am in harmony with my community and family. I’ve also made changes to remove toxic people/patterns in my life. Could that be because the anti-psychotics help me think more rationally?

To be completely honest and clear, when I was first introduced to the Abilify it was a miracle to me. I found I could sleep at night peacefully, I still had recurrent sleep paralysis and tactile nightmares but I was no longer paranoid that people close to me were in some kind of conspiracy. I had the symptoms of thought-projection, I would sit in a restaurant and scribble on a napkin because I was trying to distract myself from the voices in the back of the room that was everyone talking about and laughing at me. I thought I Heard people burst out loud saying my thoughts, sometimes it was other mentally ill people that ironically would lunge forward at me, saying random gibberish.

I found friends and bad influences with people who had similar so called experiences. Some of these experiences that I Had were supernatural. SO when your perceptions are abnormal/I guess it’s easier to have supernatural ones on top of psychotic ones. And that’s the part that confounds me in the end.

If I could rationalize my perceptions, and experience supernatural ones, at what point does my brain stop working and I become irrational/illogical.

The answer seems to rely on the stress level these experiences and heightened states of awareness cause, and how much our perceptions vary or are abnormal compared to others around us. The collective unconscious versus our singular explorations of the psyche under distress.

I know what I experienced seemed real to me. I know I saw Michael Moore flicking me off from the television screen, that I had heightened perception and still do have perception of loud frequencies depending on where I am and what’s broadcasting it. Radiowaves seemed to capture my conscious narrations and I could hear them repeat when I turned on the devices. I saw a television eject a dvd when I just looked at it, with no one touching a button, stuff like that also caused a rebound effect.

I would spend that entire night feeling my brain was electrically shocking me back into normalcy.

I don’t think it’s evil but a chaotic primal realm that humans have yet to brave because we are not consciously prepared or ready. In the chaotic realm there are electronic thought forms and parasites, maybe that’s what Christ the enlightened thought were demons.

Love is the connection between us all. Think of drug addicts who can be bribed with drugs. I think Jesus bribed the poor with the euphoric feeling of endless love, this love he could project because he was an evolved being unlike many of us, and he wasn’t in a psyche ward being told he was sick with no cure, he was not being indoctrinated.

So I believe and know I can verify my existential experiences. I continue to take the Aristada because it sows harmony and peace in my village, and I am not living in the age of Christ. We have a government, and we have a masses with perceptions that are not enlightened or open to mine.

Whether or not I choose to medicate in the face of these experiences and perceptions/does not change that I experienced them. Does that make me a hypocrite or coward? Or does that make mean I am being stronger because I admit that I do not have all the answers, and I’d rather sacrifice the magical thinking for the magical eraser that I’m being prescribed.

So much of the world is toxic. I doubt that it’s that bad in my head as I think it could be if I wasn’t taking Aristada every two months. But is that a risk I’m willing to take? Maybe when I’m ready, but I’m not ready yet.

So am I disabled? I don’t know. It’s really hard for me to compare myself to others who work. I can work but it’s harder for me, I can say that. I want to work, the desire is there. I also want to learn. But I learn differently and I work differently. I can’t over-stress myself or it just makes me crash into a period of imbalance. I try to stay in touch, monotony is really bad for my mental health. Being a warehouse worker negatively impacted my mental health. So I guess that means I have more trouble working, but am not completely disabled or dependent on others.

I am really fighting with the idealism that I should just quit taking the medicine. I have a choice. I watch these videos and used to follow anti-psychiatry or progressive stuff about ending forced hospitalizations.

The thing is I prayed to God for my mom to be forcibly hospitalized. And after I prayed to tears the next day she was hospitalized, and then she got better. So can God heal us though medicine? I believe so. So we can believe in God and also medicine that God made humans to use out of love, cures. It doesn’t all have to be a Priest touching your forhead and suddenly your spirit is cured. People need to think brand new!

So I can’t explain my supernatural experiences. But the more I listen to others the more I realize that weird and paranormal experiences are fairly common, and not just limited to people with schizophrenia. So in the end it’s better to remain calm and continue taking your medicine, people like us are more prone to fear/stress and magical thinking also delusions. So please remember that if something happens and it’s not explainable, not to let it upset you but try to find a healthy coping mechanism. How we adapt to our chaotic situations is how we survive and evolve.

I believe we all have an innate desire to grow, heal, evolve and help others.

Those are my thoughts. I really have nowhere else to put them, thanks for reading.

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