Sorry about the length of this post, but it’s pretty involved, and for God knows what reason I feel the need to vent about this horror I experienced during a psychotic break. I think I briefly mentioned some of this in a post months ago.
I’ve posted on here before about how part of my experience with psychotic breaks involves false memories, recalling things that never happened, in very vivid detail. Some of the false memories from my last break (2008) involved murders I believed I had committed.
One murder I believed I had committed involved wrestling for a gun a guy had pulled on me and, after getting the gun pointed up from under his chin and pulling the trigger, taking the gun after he’d fallen to the sidewalk and putting one bullet through each of his eyes. The memory then has me wiping fingerprints off, removing the magazine and the bullet from the chamber (things I don’t even know how to do, have never used a pistol) and fleeing, then returning to work as if nothing had happened.
Another false memory from that break had me leading a car load of guys, guys who were shooting at me while I was driving, into the path of a dump truck. I then drove over to where their car had come to a rest, took a bottle of liquor they had in the back seat, poured it over the one half-dead guy’s head, and lit him on fire. I then showed some sense of mercy by using his gun to put a bullet through his head.
My ex-wife tells me that during this same break she came home from work to find me curled up in a ball on the floor, saying that I had killed her dad. Her dad died from suicide a couple years before she and I met, before I had moved to the area where she and he lived.
I do not understand how a sociopath can commit murders without remorse. The guilt of these murders I falsely believed I had committed just overwhelmed me and destroyed me, until the meds pulled me out of the psychosis and I realized none of it had happened. It troubles me, though, that I could have done these things even just in my delusional mind, no matter how psychotic I was. These false memories haunt me to this day.
Anyone else have similar experiences?