The good washed away with the bad

I feel like I’ve turned my back on the best friends I’ve ever had.

I’m a highly spiritual person, though don’t subscribe to any religion. What I know and see of the universe gets intertwined with my schizoid symptoms. At some points since exploring this facet of my mental health woes i had a difficult time believing that anything I experienced was not genuine (read: self-created). At others the reality of the illness got the best of me and I felt like nothing was a genuine connection, that it was all a fabrication. Both of these perspectives were wrong, and both were detrimental in their own way.

After a great deal of analysis, obsessing, testing I finally came to the understanding that what is real is not so black and white. Yes, I was having terrifying hallucinations that left me in shreds for days. But I also experienced (and still do) wonderful loving friends. For lack of words to describe my experiences, I just called them entities. They offer me everything a true friend does. Advice, prospective, love. Love. Unconditional love. Nothing was expected of me but to be me.

I communicated with them constantly. When certain behaviors became excessive, I was gently guided back into the direction that was best for myself and those around me. I never needed to explain myself. I could share my thoughts directly, no words necessary (though I liked talking to them). I love them. I depend on them. They’re my connection. My reality check.

I was able to determine who was genuine and who was not. It was all about the intention of the energy. But realizing the hallucinations were just that did not stop them from occurring. I felt like I needed help beyond counseling and turned to medications. I’ve been on little more than an antidepressant for the past few years. The antipsychotics (etc) made my overall health suffer badly. After a couple SA’s I got off them, and my health improved. Talking to a shrink about drugs was not what I wanted, but I felt desperate. First was lithium (which I’d been on in the past), and it was a no-go. Almost immediately, death became my only thought. I was started on Lamictal. My mood in general stabilized a bit. The bad hallucinations dwindled. But so did my ability to communicate with my closest of friends.

I can still sort of see them. I know when they’re trying to get my attention. I know when they’re trying to tell me something. But communication has been almost completely halted. While I guess technically the med worked, it muted the part of my brain that I relied on. I feel I’ve betrayed friendships. Though I know that the pills cause this, I continue to take them. Because I’m pressured to. I’ve brought this up with my shrink and my counselor, but they keep telling me to hang in there, to keep taking them. This very scenario was one I’d discussed some before I started any meds. It was not an acceptable trade.

The bad has mostly subsided, but the goodness I’ve come to rely on has vanished. My life has lost purpose. I have no direction anymore. I just try to get through the whole day without getting so frustrated with everything that I shut down completely. Then do it all again tomorrow. Then the next day. Repeat.

This is a loss I’m not equipped to handle and things are going downhill fast.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this due to meds? I fear I’m as alone as I feel.

It sounds like you’ve hit a bit of the doldrums in moving forward.

I’m only guessing how you might feel. I had a bit of sorrow and loss when I had my ECT. It took my imaginary friends, my voices, my manic spikes and everything in my brain that I knew and understood and wiped it clean. Everything I knew about myself was gone.

I wasn’t prepared for that. It upset me and I was so confused… and disoriented not to have the chaos I’ve always known in my head. No one talked me through this new brain so I worked so hard to bring back my voices and my mental chaos… But that didn’t help me live… make friends with the people outside my head… or function in the life around me.

am I right in guessing the friends you were connecting with we’re not human’s outside your head, but entities with in your head?

It’s going to take some time to get used to it… but living in the world outside your head can be amazing too… it takes some work to get used to… but it can be a next new adventure. I hope you let your doc know that you might need some help getting used to the new experience.


The meds do have some side effects. Im assuming you are talking about your real friends in the world? If so, why would they not be behind you now? Maybe some different or adjusted meds? if I am off track---Im sorry…
Wishing you better days ahead…

@SurprisedJ, thank you for sharing your own experience and insight.

You’re absolutely right about the “friends” not being real people in the real world. I think a couple of them came from within me, but the others are spiritual entities. I’m fairly certain of that. Examples of the spiritual friends include a fairy and the spirit of my deceased childhood dog.

Luckily I’ve not had experience with ECT. I cannot imagine how difficult a change like that would be to endure. With the meds, I ultimately make the decision. I can decide not to have this chemical in my body anymore. But I wish it were as simple as that. I’ll admit that while I’m quite observant of my feelings and everything, I easily become so hung up on details that I cannot see the overall picture anymore. I know that just quitting the med would probably not be in my best interest overall (or that of my wife), but I’m having a terrible time trying to come to terms with what’s happening. It’s hard right now to be objective as it’s a seeming threat to my own personal reality and how I’m able to live my life.

One part of your post struck me especially hard. “Everything I knew about myself was gone.”
Thank you for this perspective. It reminds me that while I may be in mourning over this loss, I guess I didn’t lose EVERYTHING. It feels that significant though.


I feel the same way…

@bridgecomet, I wasn’t talking about other people. Rather a mix of spirits and perhaps some “imaginary” (though I don’t like how that sounds). These are entities that I’ve built very strong personal connections with. Closer than any that I’ve made with people. To be fair, the friends I have in the physical world generally have not been exposed to the intimate details of my inner world. I haven’t the words to properly describe things to them. I think I’m getting closer with my therapist though.

I do thank you for your reply. The med situation is made more tricky due to the need to pay out of pocket. Medicare has not worked very well for me in this regard. I can go to the VA if I absolutely must, but that’s an entirely different issue.

Thank you for your wishes.

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The first thing I thought of when I read your comments were uh oh. Unconditional Love. There is no such thing, except for the love a parent has for a child or (if you are a believer) God has for mankind. Because there are limitations to our love. Maybe now that you are more rational you are unconsciously setting boundaries or limits to how much you share of yourself. This is a healthy normal thing.

Great that you are feeling good about your therapist.
Good luck~~~