I’ve got this depression feeling under the surface. I carry on daily life as usual, but I feel this gloom resurfacing. Dunno if it’s because my meds are too low a dose, but its a strange feeling. I don’t feel sad as such, just a little gloomy like my future is bleak. Ramadaan fast is starting next week, and the thought of fasting all day from dawn to sunset depresses me, even though I know I am exempt from it due to my sz. I feel inadequate, not good enough, just a burden on everyone. I keep on thinking of that sharp knife my mom gave me to cut veggies, I keep on thinking of cutting myself instead, but I am terrified my husband will find out, so that stops me somewhat. And what’s the point? It’s just a crazy temptation. I remember when I told my husband my mom gave me that knife, he still said who gives a schizophrenic a knife? That it’s dangerous, why did my mom do it? And so on. I suppose it’s true and if I cut myself again I should ask my husband to hide it away from me.
Just my thoughts on this sunny winter’s day… 
Gotta go make bolognaise for lunch now 
