The downside of living at home TW sexual abuse

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#1

I was in bed trying to take a nap. The demons came to attack me but I stood up to them. I repeated again and again “I don’t have to have sex if I don’t want to. No one can make me have sex if I don’t want to.” I kept saying it and trying to really FEEL it because I realized the issue was I had no CONFIDENCE in that statement. So I kept saying it even though I was scared and felt them trying to hurt me.

Then I decided to PUSH that statement of mine at them the same way they were PUSHING me with their intent and it worked and made them leave. I was so relieved and was starting to feel warm and safe and felt like I was coming to a breakthrough with processing when my mom bangs on the door and tells me to take the dog out. Because I guess she is physically incapable of doing so. I was extremely irritated and asked if she could do it but she insisted I do it even though she was already in the kitchen and it would’ve taken her 5 minutes. So I went and took the dog out and it interrupted everything and I was still shaken from what had just happened so I just felt extremely angry and it was like I couldn’t stop the anger from building.

I had to leave the house. I’m at Starbucks now cooling off. I could tell my ptsd was raging because as I walked in I felt everyone’s eyes on me and wanted to hide and lash out at the same time. I was furious and blowing up at small things on the ride over. Was in actual tears when someone pulled in front of me at the gas station and took up the last spot and drove off pissed. Whenever we do processing things I always have anger issues for the next few days they flare up despite my meds.

I’m feeling a bit better after sitting.

summary I’ve been doing a lot of trauma processing and it makes me EXTREMELY irritable and moody which makes living at home tough because my family is clueless and it’s hard for me to just be alone and unbothered if I need to be. I left the house though so I am cooling down now.

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#2

You know you need an antipsychotic. You’re not going to get one without side effects so it’s a trade off between side effects and living like this.

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#3

Most antipsychotics I have been on haven’t stopped them. I have minimal faith in medication at this point. I don’t feel like anything will make them go away and feel it’s all I can do to learn to fight it and cope with it.

Still I do think I need to make an appt w pdoc. I want to try haldol next. Unfortunately I know it is going to give me horrific negative symptoms because of the level of dopamine blockade.

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#4

Keep trying. There’s plenty of meds to try. I know it’s sucky trying though. Vraylar NEARLY worked for you. Rexulti is like vraylar maybe give that a go ?

Edit: sorry you said you wanted to try haldol. Cool.

#5

Thanks, god you’re always the voice of reason for me on here. I’m going to call my pdoc on Monday. I should’ve known to say no when he said we should meet up in 3 months I know I need appointments more often than that. Really monthly because of how rocky my relationship with medication is. I’ll make an earlier appointment and see what can be done.

Vraylar wasn’t actually working all that well for my symptoms. I think in the beginning when it was it was just one of those weird lucky times I get where I have minimal symptoms for a while because I was having pretty awful symptoms towards the end.

Risperidone is the only med that ever really worked.

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#6

I’m sorry for you Anna, I had unwanted sexual tactile hallucinations as well. Better not to talk about it, but I know how bad they can be…

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#7

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