I’ve been looking after my parents dogs while they are away. They’ve been fine so far until this evening when they just got bored out of their minds I guess and started to bother me about taking them to the field down the road where everybody walks their dogs. I knew that is what they were trying to get across to me as that is what they do when they get bored and need to go run and sniff and other doglike things. I knew they wouldn’t leave me alone until I took them to run but I was fretting about other people being there and having to talk to these people as dogs tend to not understand the concept of being socially awkward and seem to be really good at initiating conversations among their owners or people.
I was almost not going to go but they were really bothering me and I felt bad for not taking them to run at the field at all this week. So I went and it turns out we had the entire field to ourselves and it was fine. They did their running and sniffing and whatnot and got out all that pent up energy and it got me out of the house for a change so all was good I guess. As I was walking with them I had the thoughts that I am such a tortured soul compared to the seemingly well put together healthy folks I see around me. I don’t often think to myself that I’m someone who missed out on life, I’ve lived especially considering the fact that I have schizophrenia…I’ve lived some. But tonight I had the rare thought that I really missed out on what I saw my friends experiencing in their 20’s. I went crazy in my 20’s. I met people, I dated some, I lived in various places, but I still I suppose missed out on a big chunk of life due to this illness.
I don’t feel less mature due to what I went through, rather I feel older than my years in some ways owing to what I went through. I know people who have it worse though and I should consider myself lucky to have experienced what I got to experience at all. I just…I need to do some more reflecting on what I’ve been through I guess. I spend the majority of my time distracting myself and wasting time. But I guess I have the rest of my life ahead of me to do this reflecting, there’s no rush. I should shave more often though…I look like someone who’s been through what I’ve been through. I don’t know.