Seems to me you are struggling with what sometimes are called intrusive/inserted thoughts. I have hade these as well when psychotic. I typically could divide my mind into three different kind of thoughts:
- those who felt wholly my own, as thoughts normally are experienced.
- intrusive/inserted thoughts. These felt like they were in ‘my voice of thought’ though not initiated by me, rather than having the feeling of being the agent of these thoughts, these seemed to occur beyond my control, it does not feel like I intend these thoughts.
- were the auditory hallucinations. These were thoughts that I experienced as belonging to someone else, with their own distinct voice.
I have had a period where I would run meta-thoughts all the time, exactly doing what you describe: tagging them as hallucination, mine and not mine. The difference between 1 and 2 was hardest to tell, hallucinations were so clearly (ha ha) not mine that they tagged themselves. It seems to me you are struggling with a similar difference between 1 and 2, between thought that feels deliberate and thought that doesn’t feel so. In order to tag them, I would rely on what fitted best my self-image, as I recalled it from before the onset of sz. This stance versus the several types of thoughts did help a lot to relieve distress and keep delusions at bay.
There was a period where for me, the normal deliberate thought (1) disappeared almost completely. Everything felt intrusive and your mention of it being like a ‘representative’ of me resonates with me. This is when it became almost impossible to label the other types of thought and keep them categorized. Maybe your situation is like that. I tried to trust the body at the time, for the mind was clearly off. And it is true, in my experience, that one does not need to explicitly command the body in everyday action. In some sense, it can take care of itself. And in my experience this also holds for speaking. I do not have to think a thought and then convey it into spoken words. When I am fully engaged in conversation, I barely experience any thought at all. Yet this is nevertheless called thoughtfully speaking.