I chickened out of going to my Sz group last night. I was really trying to get verbally prepared and get ready to take the hard bragging and narcissistic demigod on and just make him go away.
I was also trying to figure out how to make one of my brothers stop telling me how he’s so much better then me in every way. I was feeling very damned if I did and damned if I didn’t.
But as I was getting ready to go, my limbs were just getting heavier and I was having a hard time moving and it was just getting to hard to go.
I go to group in a pretty good mood looking for ideas. I don’t go there looking for conflict or a verbal fight. This was draining me faster then I would have guessed so I went to bed.
I can’t even tell a 19 year old kid to back off and leave us alone. I wish I was more aggressive sometimes. I just don’t have it in me. When I was homeless I would get beat up a lot. The way I got out of a lot of conflict is just let myself act as out of control as possible. Then people would be afraid of me. No one is afraid of me anymore.
The thing is, my sis probably thinks I’m a weakling if I can’t even protect her or even stand up for myself against some bragging narcissist. It’s going to be a hard slow day for me. In a few hours I might put on some pants.
It’s adventure sunday too. I usually look forward to that. But I might not be up for it today.
I’m a bit of a blue-J.