Text crisis line

Some company gave out free paring knives at work and i was already depressed and i immediately started thinking of using it and this one girl was mean to me and treated me like a freak which made me more depressed so the last few hours of work i was barely operational cuz when ■■■■ like that happens i start having flashbacks of all the other times it happens and im so tired of people treating me like that i hate getting shat on i really hate hate hate it and i went to my car with the knife and i was gonna slash my wrist but i stopped myself and went to marcos where i used to work where some of my old friends are to try to calkm down i still go there sometimes but anyway i couldn’t calm down so i went in my car and i texted them i think i was talking to them for over an hour and in my car for like 2 hours and i felt ok enough to go home still depresded but ok enough and i told my friend and i met her so she could take the knife from me

i can have knives but most are very dull but this one so sharp and yeah ive bern having a lot of flashbacks lately especially during work of all this ■■■■ and i didn’t have a good day but niw im fixing an old computer trying to figure out what’s wrong and sometimes i stop to think how i can make friends because i barely talk to anyone all day outside of work and i never get to go out with anyone my own age or talk to them except short conversations at night , rarely long and i just wish i wasn’t alone like that
a lot of people in person find me intimidating because im large and intellectual which people tell me sometimes and it makes me feel bad because i want companionship just like everyone else it isnt my fault these people are so dumb and they find out we have nothing in common like the things i like they don’t like and all they want to do is drink and party and smoke and get laid and that seems really boring to me and unproductive
i think life would be easier if i had friends
maybe it would hurt less