Terrified of my own thoughts- violent hallucinations

I’m really scared to talk about this. I can barely talk about it to my mom, who I trust the most in my life other than my boyfriend. I have these irrational fears, and they will manifest into delusions.

I have a fear of serial killers necrophilia, and cannibalism. So, naturally I hallucinate I do these things.
It’s like you’re going insane, wanting to rip off your skin because “No, I am not a killer, I don’t feel these things, I would never…” but your body says “oh look at that flesh, you are hungry…” and then I think I am, and I’m freaking out like I’m dying. I just want to cry, and I can’t talk about it because now my dad thinks I want to kill people. I’m not a killer, I’d never want to hurt anybody. What’s wrong with me?

Confession: I will get sudden urges to kill an animal and take out its bones, or to pick up dead animals. But it’s because I’m very curious, always have been. Nature fascinates me and I collect bones (that were taken safely and without harm) because I think it’s beautiful how organisms work.
My dad says I’m like a serial killer because I like collecting bones, and I don’t ignore the faces he gives me when I want to keep the turkey bone from dinner. I hate being treated like a freak. But I guess that’s what I am

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The fact that the idea of harming something scares you proves to me you are not a killer. I’m sorry your dealing with these thoughts and I’m sorry your father is telling you that stuff. You’ve done nothing wrong! (Hugs)

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The good thing is you’re worried about these things. They terrify you. Someone who was actually capable of these things, who was these things, would not worry about it, would not be bothered, if the urges were there they would have already acted on them.

These sorts of intrusive thoughts are commonly seen in OCD, there was a popular tv series on it called “obsessed” I think. It was hugely helpful to me to watch despite me having psychosis & not OCD because many of the coping mechanisms they taught I could apply to myself as well. You should watch it there were others on there w the same problem as you and they talked about how to work through it.

Also in my opinion the best way to deal w intrusive thoughts is to embrace them. The more you try to repress the more it will torment you and grow. You’ve got to view it without judgement. Say “I’m having this thought now, but it’s not who I am. I’m a complex person. My thoughts don’t decide what I am my actions do.”

And don’t worry about weird hobbies, many people have them. Plenty of people like you end up in taxidermy, (or archaeology! Think fossils! They love bones! Lol) and they aren’t serial killers. Tbh collecting already dead animals to me is far less sociopathic than people who go out to kill them for fun. (Ie hunting for sport)

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Thank you noise!

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Those are some very good points. My family are really into hunting, and while the only thing I will allow myself closest to hunting is pushing the button to throw a clay bird, I will sometimes ask for parts of the animal they caught. Tbh, I’m becoming more open to hunting since where I live it’s VERY common. I think it’s sick (doing it for survival is way different than sport) to kill animals for fun. I understand completely. The rush, the satisfaction. But… why? Overpopulation? The thing is, unless there’s an invasive species, overpopulation doesn’t happen naturally. Nature takes care of itself. I understand deer are really common, but have people ever wondered why they’re getting in our way? Habitat loss… hmm. And we kill them to make it easier. They’ll keep coming back.

Sorry little rant there. Thank you for your concern

Generally if it’s overpopulation, humans are the cause behind it. That’s why it’s accepted for humans to then fix the problem they caused initially. For example in many areas deer overpopulation was the direct result of people hunting local wolf populations to extinction (people don’t like animals that eat their livestock, lol) which kept the deer populations in check. No wolves=too many deer. In reality we should be focused on rebuilding natural wolf populations rather than just trying to take over nature’s roles. But again people don’t want their livestock being eaten, so. Bleh.

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Agreed. It’s a shame.

I also have violent intrusive thoughts, and I just want to reassure you that they don’t make you a bad person. Almost everyone in the world gets these weird, random horrible thoughts. Most people just shrug it of as a random brain glitch and move on with their day. A few people, like us, get stuck on the random thought and worry that it makes us bad. And that’s when the thought becomes intrusive.

The tricky thing is, the harder you try to avoid these thoughts, the more frequently they will happen. For me, the best way to deal with it is just like @Anna said. I tell myself, “this is a random thought. It happened because human brains are complex, and it will go away on its own. It does not make me a bad person. I control my own actions.” And then I just sort of let the thought drift through my brain until it is replaced by the next random thought, which is usually happier.

Neurofeedback therapy helped me a lot with my intrusive thoughts. It helped me to get less upset by them. The less upset I got, the less frequently they happened. Now, I hardly ever get them anymore.

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Thank you for the response, I appreciate your concern, thank you!

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