I don’t even know what to say or how to even explain it. I feel extremely depressed and my face is finally not red and burning up. I have felt completely stupid all day. My therapy group has a new member. And he is the embodiment of every single one of my triggers. And I can’t even explain it because you guys haven’t met him! He was poking around in my brain and talking at me about my thoughts and experiences. It sounds weird and paranoid but that’s the only way I can describe it. The whole time I was around him I felt extremely depressed and that my self esteem was so low it went underground. We had art therapy today and we share what we did and get feedback from the therapist and other members. Two people went ahead of me and this guy couldn’t shut up about how what he saw, what it made him think, and what he liked about them and when it came to me he looked at it once and started babbling on about some completely different topic as if I didn’t exist. Then the therapist guided conversation back at my painting. I don’t need someone to say hey good job thats great. Its just when someone who has been completely tuned in to the situation and extremely talkative makes it a point to ignore me and lead others to do the same really was pretty lame. Especially when I didn’t want to share originally because he was there but my friend looked at me and nudged me so then I did. It felt like a weird setup to a depressing scene from a movie about a loser that everyone laughs at because horrible things are constantly happening to them.
It seemed like he knew what my insecurities were and pushed the button over and over.
I feel like poop right now, I used to be around ‘that type of people’ a lot until I couldn’t handle it anymore and isolated. In the last little bit I thought ‘Finally! I got all those people out of my life!’ And then boom this guy pops up like a hemorrhoid. I know he is not trying to do anything bad to me or wrong or evil etc. He is operating on a higher level of consciousness than I am and as a result, i feel dumb and insignificant. Like all of my words spoken and written are pointless. Reminds me of when I was around those type of people and needed to text someone, borrowed a phone, and saw a conversation between my ‘friends’ asking what’s going on, oh I’m just hanging out with her she keeps saying stupid stuff.
So, there is a bunch of vomited up emotions and etc I don’t know what you want to do with it.