Taking the first step

Hello everyone. First let me give you a little background on myself. Im 42, my name is Chris, I am married with 4 kids and no one knows that I think I may be schizophrenic. I have never opened up to anyone about my history or problems. As I write this I am in tears, its the first time I have really admitted it to myself leg alone anyone else. I’m full of shame and relief if that makes any sense at all.
I need help, even if its just someone reaching out to say, I know, I’ve been there. That would me so much not to be alone in this.
My paranoid episodes seems to be brought on by stress and I tend to focus my delusions on those that I believe are causing my stress.
For example, I work the night shift with three others. I believe they are trying to get me fired so they can move up the ladder. I think they have sabotaged my work in an effort to get me in trouble. It worked, my boss is on my case, I now hate my job but I desperately need it to stay afloat financially. I keep thinking that they have placed listening devices around my work station because they seem to know what I am thinking and saying. I have even checked underneath my car for GPS trackers.
I know it sounds bad, I cant hardly bring myself to admit my thoughts and feelings about this. I forced myself to take a long hard logical look at myself and my behavior and I came to a realization that I may be the problem, not everyone else.
I am constantly having out loud conversations with myself. When my boss tells me to stay late so he can talk with me in the morning I start to panic. I am convinced that I’m going to be fired. I start to talk to myself out loud and act out each side of the conversation that I am going to have with my boss. By the time I actually have my meeting I am a mess.
Why my stress level is high I cant focus on anything, my attention span seems yo be nonexistent. Its like there is all these things going on at once inside my head. They keep getting faster and faster and they all seem to clammer for my attention but I cant give it. I try, but the effort actually makes my head and ears hurt. It feels like a massive panic attack and I just have to get away.
I’m scared that I am losing control of my thoughts. I would go to a therapist but I lack the funds and even if I did have the money I dont know how I would explain this to everyone. I would really appreciate some advice or even just dome understanding. Just to finally come out and say all this has been a huge relief.

Welcome chris.

It sounds like paranoia. I believe my boss will fire me too. But I know I do great work. Still I feel they don’t like me. I also belive from time to time that they are listening to me. But I sort those thoughts out as paranoia and try to logically convince myself that it’s just paranoia.

What country do you live in? There are ways to get help without ruining your household echonomy.

And slso, it’s not a therapist you need, it’s a psychiatrist, pdoc, who can analyze you and maybe give you a proper diagnose and medicine.

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Do you hear voices or is it you thinking out loud? Anxiety can make you unfocused and messy in the head. But voices are typical for schizophrenia. Not everyone hears them, but most of us do. You can also hear voices when stressed or depressed.

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Thanks so much for the reply. I am in the US.
I’m not sure about the voices, they mostly seem to be in my head. I dont externally hear them anyhow. But the conversations almost feel like to separate people. Me and not me. I have a hard time putting into words that I think will make sense to anyone else. But it definitely comes on strong when I am stressed, which seems to be a lot lately.

I actually catch myself saying the words of the opposing side of the conversation out loud.

Welcome chris,

I think you’ll enjoy it here. Most people here are very nice and non-judgmental!

I can relate to your paranoia at work. While I used to work, I was also convinced that my coworkers were sabotaging me. In retrospect it was likely just paranoid delusions.

Anyways, nice to meet you!

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I know a lot of people thinking out loud. They have no diagnose of any kind. Some say thinking out loud makes it much easier to come to conclusions. Everything becomes much clearer and you hear at once if the thoughts sound wrong or right.

I hear voices. Sometimes in my head. Sometimes outside of me. I cannot control the voices. I just recieve what they have to say to me.

Can you control your thoughts you are speaking out loud?

Thank you both very much. I cant express how much it means to feel understood. To just unload. If you could see me you’d probably laugh out loud, i’m 6’3" tall, 230 lb hard nosed jerk thats a crying blubbery mess right now hiding in the bathroom at work so no one will know. Oh well, if you cant laugh at yourself every now and then, then whats the point!

Sometimes I can. Other times it goes on for hours before I even realize that I am really doing it out loud. At which point I can stop talking out loud but the conversations continue in my head. Those I cannot stop. Some times, a lot of times actually, I cant sleep because I cant shut it off.

If possible try to get back to work before your boss or coworkers notice, unless you’re on break. That way you don’t get another lecture from your boss in the morning.

I’ve read here a lot of times that NAMI centers are recommended. Make contact with them and see if you can get help that way without economic catastrophe. I’m in Sweden, we have a different system here.

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Lol, id have to wake him up for him to notice. But I am back at my machine now. Things are ok. I am allowed to use my phone at work.

I will look into that tomorrow morning. Thanks for the advice.

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Lots of therapists take clients on a sliding scale basis. You know what that means, right? You need help, I don’t know if coming on this site is enough but it’s first step. You won’t know if you are schizophrenic or not for sure until you are examined by a psychiatrist. They will run tests on you to see if it is schizophrenia or if it is something else. Sometimes the symptoms of other conditions mimic those of schizophrenia.If it is schizophrenia than the sooner you start getting treated for it, the better your prognosis will be. If you leave it untreated , it will probably get worse. It won’t just go away on it’s own. Your symptoms are not unique, other people on here have experienced the same things. It’s usually paranoia.
Just do your best job at work and be friendly. I doubt your co-workers are plotting against you.

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I worked 3rd shift for 5 years due to my severe anxiety problems.

There is something else I might as well mention. 8 years ago I was having some back problems. My doctor seemed to think that vicodin was tylenol. He gave them to me with very little restrictions. 45 750 mg pills a month and if I ran out all I had to do was call and get a three month refill.
The pills did little for my back pain, but they helped relieve my paranoid delusions. I got to the point that I used the pills to medicate when I felt stressed.
I have since quit going to the doctor and stopped taking all pain meds. Its been about 6 months since I quit and I have found my delusions, anxiety and even my dreams have gotten very intense. I need a new, healthy, coping mechanism.

“My paranoid episodes seems to be brought on by stress and I tend to focus my delusions on those that I believe are causing my stress… I think they have sabotaged my work in an effort to get me in trouble… I keep thinking that they have placed listening devices around my work station because they seem to know what I am thinking and saying… Wh[en] my stress level is high I cant focus on anything, my attention span seems yo be nonexistent. Its like there is all these things going on at once inside my head. They keep getting faster and faster and they all seem to clammer for my attention but I cant give it. I try, but the effort actually makes my head and ears hurt. It feels like a massive panic attack and I just have to get away.”

If you’re not

  1. hearing voices that seem to be coming from outside,
  2. seeing things that aren’t actually there (not “thinking” things that may or may not be happening),
  3. having increasingly lengthy periods of disorganized speech and “loose associations” or verbal incoherence (which is definitely not what I am seeing in your post),
  4. displaying grossly disorganized somewhat manic – or catatonic (like being in an unresponsive stupor) – behavior over lengthy periods, or
  5. an obvious lack of emotions…

…you’re probably not schizophrenic… though you may be having periods of intermittent psychosis which sound to me like post-traumatic stress disorder and chronically elevated sympathetic pitch in the autonomic nervous system may be involved. (See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fight-or-flight_response.)

If you’re feeling “jammed up,” “on edge,” “worried,” and on the verge of “fight or flight” a lot of – or almost all – the time, I’ve got to suggest what I just did above. Fortunately, this is a lot easier to “fix” than sz, especially if you get into some cognitive behavioral psychotherapy (or “CBT”), even if you have to do it in workbooks (there are piles of very good ones, especially from New Harbinger, on amazon.com.)

The same medications used for sz may be helpful, but not at sz-level dosage. The best thing to do is exactly what Comatose suggested: Get to a psychopharmacologist (or “psychiatrist”), not some GP at an ER, and get a proper assessment. It’s penny-wise and pound-foolish not to do so.

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Ok, looks like I have some work to do. You seem to have a very good point about the PTSD. If I have came to the wrong place I am profoundly sorry. I’m just trying to get a grip on all of this.
You all have been very helpful. Believe it or not just talking to you all for this short period of time has given me so much relief. I really appreciate your time and understanding.
I think I will take the plunge and get a professional diagnosis. Thanks for the moral support.

[quote=“chris1, post:18, topic:23913”] If I have came to the wrong place I am profoundly sorry.
[/quote]
You are in the right place.

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Definitely get a professional diagnosis. I resisted for many years. I ended up going psychotic at work and to say that it was disastrous for my career is an understatement.