Systemic Trilogy: The First Page

SYSTEMIC: COGNITION

“The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.” - H.P. Lovecraft

I had just awoken from an uneasy dream when the morning sky flickered briefly to dusk. Of course I didn’t notice. It would be several months before I learned how poorly designed our vision really was. A million arthritic hands jittering tirelessly to knit a shoddy patchwork quilt. This is your field of vision. Meanwhile, that pigeon outside your window whose incessant cooing is giving you a migraine can peruse the Earth’s magnetic fields like a Sears catalogue. So much for “intelligent” design.


Opinions/critiques? Too dense or just right? Would you keep reading?

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OK, don’t be annoyed, but…

I think If you get rid of this paragraph

A million arthritic hands jittering tirelessly to knit a shoddy patchwork quilt. Picture a broken mirror, if someone had taken to it with some caulking and duct tape and called it brand new. This is your field of vision.

It reads better. Sometimes less is more. Just my opinion though.

Can’t get annoyed if I asked for critiques lol. I’m not like that anyhow. How’s it look? Got rid of the mirror quote but kept the quilt one.

Yes, that works!

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“A sea of arthritic hands” or “Millions of arthritic hands”

Which flows better
???

How about,

‘A million arthritic hands’?

I prefer “sea” personally lol.

YES. Succinct. Love it.

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Bump for when I get out of bed later