Symptoms coming back

Over the past few weeks, I’ve noticed some of my positive symptoms creeping back in. Just tonight, while I was driving home, I was seeing monsters in the shadows. A bit of reflective tape became a glowing eye, a branch a clawed hand, all vivid and unshakeable. Add to that the trails and afterimages, and it was an interesting drive.

I’ve been noticing some of the paranoia coming back too. Suspecting my boyfriend of secretly hating me and using me for sex, laughing behind my back at how stupid I am. I can shake the thoughts off for the most part, but they definitely are there.

Last night my dreams were hypervivid and horrible, I was screaming and crying in them (fortunately not out loud, or my family would’ve come running). I kept “waking up” into a new nightmare scenario, going from seeing an old dead pet and knowing she should be dead, to being strangled by a man in a mask, and everything in between. Each time thinking it’s over when I “wake up”, each time being met with something worse than the last.

Negative symptoms remain about the same, though perhaps my threshold for becoming overwhelmed may be a bit lower than it was. Mostly I’m just staying constant with that, thankfully.

No voices yet, but I can “feel” them lurking under the surface. I hear a murmuring crowd, but no distinct voices, no discernible words.

Next week I see my pdoc, I’ll have to let him know so he can adjust my meds accordingly. I can’t handle going through another episode, if the meds stop working I’m likely going to commit myself until everything settles back down and I can get on a regimen that works. But I’m hoping it won’t come to that.

I am really sorry you are suffering from the things that are bothering you. I also have been having nightmares surrounding my grandpa on my mom’s side because I believed he was haunting me…I don’t believe that anymore and feel a lot more stable…I do hope you adjust the meds and are successful at overcoming this current delusional thoughts…good luck!

At least I’m aware enough to identify my symptoms as such and can respond accordingly. It’s been my saving grace through everything, knowing the difference between reality and hallucination. I use logic to convince myself that something I’m experiencing isn’t real, and so far it’s served me well. Doesn’t stop me from getting scared half to death by it, though. Fear isn’t logical, it’s blind and inarguable.

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aw, you’re really struggling…one thing I always smile when I realize is that I don’t have to “think that much” anymore…a schizophrenic that isn’t stable is thinking a million miles per second…I hope you feel better soon @RowanAmethyst

Wait, you mean there’s an alternative to that? Between the music, the murmuring, and my own racing thoughts, my head never stops. I actually have to take Trazodone just to get to sleep because otherwise I’ll just lie awake, thinking.

I’m very sorry. That place is very scary, the place where you are having trouble but lucid enough you know it isn’t real. For me it always starts with a murmur, like a voice I can barely hear from someone standing far away.

I went through phases like that a great deal when my psychiatrist was trying to find the correct doses of Zyprexa. Then she found it and I am pretty stable. It may be hard but I think you are right. In my opinion it is kind of like what they say about feeling like you might have a heart attack. Always err on the side of caution.

@RowanAmethyst, yes dear one, you don’t have to think at all, when you’re stable your mind is completely still if you want it to be…please work closely with your pdoc to find the right balance of meds for you. I know you have talked of this music before and feel bad for you …I had the voice of God when I was sick. Get well soon…

I’m sorry you’re having trouble; At least you know your slipping, and you want to do something about it. You;re not it denial, like so many sz’s.

I am so sorry it’s coming back. On top of everything else you’ve been fighting too. I’ve always admired your ability to be able to identify the symptoms and fight through it. I wish I had that strength more often then I do.

I hope a med adjustment will help knock the symptoms back down. I wish I had some ideas or advice, but you sound like you have a back up plan in place.

I always hope the best for you.

Thanks for the well wishes, and hopefully this is just a hiccup and nothing major. I think I’ll be okay until next week, as long as nothing too stressful happens in my life. In the meantime, I just have to keep myself busy with crafts and try to ignore the bad stuff.