Over the past few weeks, I’ve noticed some of my positive symptoms creeping back in. Just tonight, while I was driving home, I was seeing monsters in the shadows. A bit of reflective tape became a glowing eye, a branch a clawed hand, all vivid and unshakeable. Add to that the trails and afterimages, and it was an interesting drive.
I’ve been noticing some of the paranoia coming back too. Suspecting my boyfriend of secretly hating me and using me for sex, laughing behind my back at how stupid I am. I can shake the thoughts off for the most part, but they definitely are there.
Last night my dreams were hypervivid and horrible, I was screaming and crying in them (fortunately not out loud, or my family would’ve come running). I kept “waking up” into a new nightmare scenario, going from seeing an old dead pet and knowing she should be dead, to being strangled by a man in a mask, and everything in between. Each time thinking it’s over when I “wake up”, each time being met with something worse than the last.
Negative symptoms remain about the same, though perhaps my threshold for becoming overwhelmed may be a bit lower than it was. Mostly I’m just staying constant with that, thankfully.
No voices yet, but I can “feel” them lurking under the surface. I hear a murmuring crowd, but no distinct voices, no discernible words.
Next week I see my pdoc, I’ll have to let him know so he can adjust my meds accordingly. I can’t handle going through another episode, if the meds stop working I’m likely going to commit myself until everything settles back down and I can get on a regimen that works. But I’m hoping it won’t come to that.