Sunday some to share?

been feeling extremely low most of the time. Aside from cleaning my apartment and writing in my journal I’ve spent most of the time with my butt parked in front of the television. My appeal to social security is now in its thirteenth month. Went to the hospital three weeks ago for suicidal ideation. Feel like a failure, was off antipsychotics for three months, still hearing voices and seeing hallucinations of the devil. Grew up catholic, have been primed for guilt. Haven’t been inside a church in over a year. Honestly hardly ever pray. Don’t agree with the church on gay rights, married clergy and divorced Catholics, also don’t have a problem with my daughter living with her boyfriend of three years. Don’t want this to end up as a religious discussion, mostly want to talk about the grip that depression has on me. When I worked I could put on a brave face, tell my patients what they needed to hear…now all those words seem so empty. Psychiatrist wants to hook me up with a therapist. A therapist being treated by a therapist? Never been good at accepting help or asking for it. Schizoaffective depressive type, not bipolar.

I’m lucky as this illness hit me before I had any real connection or responsibility like a career or family. I had a job back then, was even moving upwards in the company, but it was a ■■■■■■■■ job all in all especially as a manager. Working with people who are 18 to 25(and still working in a sub shop)… Yeah those people are not reliable at all. Everyone wants off work early, no one wanted to get their shifts covered, they hadn’t grown out of the high school/playground mentality. Real hierarchical social ■■■■■■■■. That environment alone, the long hours (60+ a week), the drugs I was using on the side, conspiracy theories and researching extraterrestrials and the occult and all that other fringe ■■■■. Yeah no wonder my sz surfaced.

I have learned a hell of a lot though. Insight into how the human experience can go. Developed a lot of cognitive control over my symptoms(to a degree). They won’t go away. I’m not tempted to do drugs, I can moderate alcohol. Still hooked on tobacco, but one stress at a time. (It’s a dream to not be dependent on any substances beyond food, the mind wouldn’t be so broken up and segmented. It would know it had to stand on its own without a crutch). Still that addiction is killer. I’ll build up the resolve to quit and then totally forget about it. All in all though I think when I’m ready to stop it’ll be easier. For now it’s my release from psychosis.

I’m starting to have strong subconscious doubts that my hallucinations are in any way real telepathy. I quit thinking about the experience so much and sort of lost sight of the framework. My mind is strongly inclined to not look back to thoroughly or take interest in any further development of “understanding” as my hallucinations will probably persist for a while yet.

The blank state is super hard to maintain. I’ve kind of given up on that idea. It would have been nice to learn to just be a physical body and I might employ it for a few seconds now and again here and there. Also use to break chains of thought that I don’t want to follow. Delusion unravelling, protecting the self view, not judging others. ■■■■ that other people don’t even know is going on but it keeps me comfortable.

Isolation is the key for me for now. It takes time to get all the ■■■■■■■■ in its proper place. You have to be able to look at it without it then taking hold of you. As part of the experience you’ve had a lot of memories are all tied into it.

I’m ranting.

Anyways. Feeling good.

Take care orange. There is a lot you can do to shape your mental experience to be how you want it to be.

Sorry to hear your feeling down man:

Nothing wrong with a therapist seeing a therapist, also staying off of an antipsychotic for 3 months is not a good idea.

Hope that you start feeling better soon, maybe you can stay in touch with your pdoc a lot more if things get out of hand.

We’re you off meds when you went to the hospital. If so, probably a good idea to stay in them. Have a talk to your psychiatrist about why you felt the need to come off them.

As for watching a lot of tv, I do that too.

Because I am treatment resistant to most APs my psychiatrist thought we could try going without them. I was weaned off of them over the course of seven months before going without. Started losing weight, became more active, slept better then slam the floor fell out.

That’s what happened to me when I went off them for 2 years. There were warning signs I didn’t realise / recognise at the time though.

I can only half remember my psychiatrist asking me if I was okay. I was in so deep a funk I couldn’t see out. Actually I hardly remember calling him at three in the morning telling him I was going to swallow all the pills in the house and f- waiting on disability. Still can’t fully recall the police taking me to ambulance, it was week before I came out of that fog. You know while you’re in it you don’t realize how far you decompensate.

That’s my issue too, I think.