I had a pretty rough day yesterday, just too many cognitive symptoms, I guess that is what you can call them, all I know is my brain was fighting me most of the day.
I have had COVID-19 on my mind too much but to put it bluntly my head was just messed up. Processing stuff and memory was in a bad way and all too often I kept having thoughts pop in that it would be easier if I would just be dead. I mean the thoughts were more graphic and intense than that but I know they weren’t the most rational thoughts, I try to say that and mean it all the way but how certain can I really be in these cases when I can’t depend on my own mind working right.
Another day that so far is better than the previous, my anxiety isn’t up yet and I don’t have hopelessness and existential dread, I talked with my psychiatrist and will have to do cognitive behavioral therapy with my therapist. I just get in worry loops and know they aren’t healthy but I get sucked in. I am pretty sure my kids are the only thing keeping me here again, I know everyone says to tell your doctor everything but I know where to draw the line if I don’t want to end up in the hospital, which would shred me with anxiety now.
I still feel like I am stuck in some messed up alternate universe where I am being forced to suffer at times. It isn’t strong like my delusions used to be but I still feel like there is so much hopelessness.
I hate that there are so many dark thoughts inside of me, I never thought I would end up being this way, I could never understand how some people could just let it all go but I understand it now and I wish I didn’t.
I have a lot of life left which makes me have mixed feelings. Well I think I have said enough for now, someone else can hijack this thread I just had to get some of this out.
Don’t beat yourself up for having those thoughts. That said, I think CBT is a good idea. But it sounds like you either need an ssri or a higher dose or different ssri to help you battle the depression. Your kids need you. Their lives would be ruined without you. Children of adults who commit suicide are way more likely to do it themselves, so keep that in mind. In the meantime, what activities help you focus your mind on something other than suffering?
Memes keep occupied but still kind of involved and in concentrating on some of my feelings which to be honest I don’t think you can ever completely ignore feelings.
That was one thing I talked about yesterday, I am having a hard time finding a healthy outlet that lets me escape. Meds won’t change thought patterns and I don’t respond well to SSRIs though I have given it more thought lately. I am on max dose of bupropion and I don’t really know that it helps or hurts.
Bupropion made me worse as did Prozac. I’m on Celexa now. Believe it or not after taking Celexa over time my negative thoughts started to fade. Do you have Netflix or Prime? They have free movies you can watch to get your mind off things.
It’s depression to some degree I know that, maybe a med change would help but I’m not sure. Anxiety is what makes me get more negative thinking, I am trying to cope with this new normal as well as new changes at work and it’s tough.
I just found out today that my boss dipped out on us here after working for him for less than a month, he just resigned with no notice and he was just starting our group up taking over for my last jobs contract.
I don’t feel the best about job security but I can’t do anything to change how things are really, just gotta keep rolling with stuff. Thanks @LilyoftheValley for the suggestions.
in my experience all mental health problems are caused by beliefs
depression is caused by a belief in not being good enough
scizophrenia is caused by a belief in imaginary friends
once you get free of beliefs there is nothing to be scared of as far as existential fears
its the irrational fears caused by beliefs that make you scared but they are all lies and beliefs are all irrational