Stupid stupid stupid

Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stuuupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid. Fyck it. ■■■■ it all. ■■■■ you, ■■■■ me, ■■■■ everything. It’s all stupid. Every last bit of it. School is stupid. Sleep is stupid. Eating is stupid. Thinking is stupid. Feeling is stupid. Art is stupid. Frustration is stupid. But that’s how I feel. It doesn’t ■■■■■■■ go away. No matter how hard I try. It’s still there. Dammit. I want to be good. I want to help people but lord knows I’m terrible at that. What’s the ■■■■■■■ point. What’s the point in literally being able to feel other people’s emotions if I can’t help them. There is no point. That’s the funny thing. I have such a huge gift I’m told. But I don’t ■■■■■■■ want it. I can hardly handle my emotions nevermind someone else’s. So ■■■■ everyone. I’m so sick of it.

Be grateful for what you have, be happy, it could be worse. Yeah it could be worse but thay doesn’t mean it’s good right now. Then again they have a point. I know I’m selfish. I really am. And the things I can do. I try not to but when you can feel other people’s emotions you can also predict their thoughts pretty well. I know exactly how to act around certain people. I know exactly how to act to make them think I’m cute, or thoughtful, or smart, or almost anything. I know how to act to make them think and jump to certain conclusions. I know how to get my way if I want. And I hate it. I don’t want to think that way but my brain just does. Hey if you do this then they’ll think this. Hey if you do this then they’re more inclined to agree with you.

I’m a selfish little brat who gets mad when they don’t get their way. Seriously. I don’t handle disappointment very well. If I get my hopes up for something and then suddenly things change and I can’t have that something it upsets me. I get way more sad and emotional than I should. I hate it.

Honestly I hate me. And that’s part of what frustrates me. I went through all this therapy and did a lot of work to get better and I can’t even tell myself that I like myself even a little bit. I despise myself.

But who wants to listen to me. Just ignore me. It’s better that way

Don’t reply to anybody. No one wants a negative Neo. She shouldn’t even be posting this here. But I’m selfish. I want to let it out. Yet at the same time I hate myself for it. Bothering people.

I don’t even belong here. Why am I still here. I don’t even really get psychotic symptoms anymore. I fear that there is no place to belong for someone like me.

Hi @NeoPolitan02 ! Sorry you got no responses. I would’ve responded sooner but the forum has some hot topics I’m trying to monitor right now. I’m sorry that you are feeling frustrated today.

My head is too full therefore I type my thoughts for j cannot take them any longer

I’m sorry, too.

I was involved in some of those hot topics @Bowens mentioned!!

You - obviously - sound like you’re in a lot of pain.

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Don’t be sorry. I’ve typed a lot so I understand why I haven’t gotten any comments. It’s a lot to read. I told myself I wouldn’t talk to much but I couldn’t help it.

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I don’t know if that’s what I’m feeling. My eyes cry and I know I’m feeling but my brain has turned of emotion recognition. I cannot give a name to feelings. All I know is that I feel and I don’t want to.

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Sometimes I wonder if I make up all my emotions. Am I really feeling this way or is it just that I think I should feel this way

Weirdly, empathy seems to be enough. The idea that someone else understands me, gets me, feels me, and isn’t repulsed… it’s enough

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But people don’t get it. They assume that I’m just saying it to make them feel better. But I literally feel it. To me it’s as real as physical pain.

When all I feel is pain, I take pleasure in other peoples pain. Like maybe they feel what I feel, and I am not all alone.

When I am very sad, Happy people just make me feel so much more isolated.

I’m not saying you have it easy, but perhaps you have a gift of sorts. An ability to connect. Albeit a painful connection.

But I am not always sad. Just sometimes. And when I am sad, maybe you are too?

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I’m sorry you’re suffering so much. I think you’re an extra sensitive person. That’s ok. It means you can be there for others when they need you. Don’t feel bad about that! That makes you a good friend.

When others are sad I am sad. That’s why I hate funerals. I can’t take the atmosphere. It literally makes me panic because it’s an overload. I can’t differentiate between my own emotions and other people’s. When others are happy I get happy. I get ecstatic. I feed off of people. But again I can’t differentiate between other people’s emotions and mine. Although I’ve gotten better. My bubble has gotten stronger. That bubble is a barrier between me and others.

Sometimes I don’t want to be a good friend. Sometimes I want to be selfish and only think of me and a part of me hates myself for that. Who am I to put myself above others? Who am I to think that I deserve more attention then others? Who am I to push others away when I can feel that they’re in pain? That’s the kicker of super high empathy and low self esteem. Why should I think that I should take care of myself when there are so many others suffering.

You’re only human. Maybe you just need a break from rejection, bad luck, and other issues and that’s how you deal with it. Just don’t give up. Try to come up with one positive in all your bad experiences. Good luck!