my brother J, (the first one that told about the molestation i went through)
he changed over the years. when i was in 2nd grade he was a teenager. he used to be so funny and sweet to friends of mine and me when friend came over after school. he would hide his face behind his two hands and jokingly say “now you can’t see me” we loved him …
but a year or two later, after telling mom what happened and then saying to her “maybe i hallucinated it” when no one believed him, he went craZY. started yelling to no one on the street became bitter… angry
for years when i was young after his episodes started, i thought he was a mean guy. i thought he yelled because he didn’t care about us.
(molester brother told me he always hated J, and that J always hated him… that he is mean now because of his new friends, and that J never saw anything happen and was just making up the the part about seeing us do stuff together, cause of his hate because he hated “Molester”)
anyway yesterday my spiritual light went completely out. two times. i yelled at nobody outside (no one there, at least that’s what other’s would think) i yelled at my mom too twice at the top of my lungs. called her a beotch…
shortly after that, J came over, he saw that i was very distraught … and angry and bitter.
and i told him i am angry cause the tv was talking about me. (thse are the same kinds of things he goes through) I never saw him look so sweet. innocent just like when i was a kid in 2nd grade. his true self just came right out in front of me. because he finally knew, deep down that someone else understood.
I used to go through some similar issues with the TV, I would think that certain topics discussed were about myself, and I would lose it, but i found, that just like when buying a bright red car, you would see bright red cars everywhere, that my mind would tune into topics that were of recent interest, and would hone in on those topics on the TV. The added dysfunctional aspect of believing that it was about me was the down side… I spent many years training my mind to force myself to not believe what I was experiencing, and although now I rarely - if ever so often experience the same thing, I know its because the topic was at the forefront of my mind… it takes time, and i seriously believe time is the healer of all wounds…
The other side of it was that others did not understand what I was going through… unfortunately the world is like that, divided into the sane and the crazies, it seems when we hear others stories that it doesn’t seem as important than our own, and their stories are really important to them and ours not so much to them.
yes no one ever “gets” it. i mean , even me, when i see other’s post stuff about mental illness… i am the first one to tell them it is not real, and give a rational explanation for them
(i KNOW i just heard a cough… were ARE YOU voice PERSON!?!)
anyway see??? as i rationalize for other i canNOT for myself. i hear them there. i KNOW they are there…
I know exactly what you mean, like theres some sort of sabotage alter going on… you try rationalise it for yourself and then BAM, you get slapped in the face from an angle you didn’t see and it crumbles all over again…but you know what, just keep on fighting and you’ll integrate soon enough
what if i don’t WANT to integrate anymore? …lol i do i mean … voices can be pains in my hinney… … minni miney moo…but i also get greath untertainment from them and LOVE THEM! haha (they just said “peace out B” (molesters name) but others just said “I care” )
Note: The Family area is for the family members and caregivers of those with Sz. It is not intended for those with Sz to post about their family issues in. Those posts belong in Diagnosed, which is general discussion for those who have Sz or Sz-like symptoms.
I won’t go into what specific delusions they were, but they were to do with believing people, groups, individuals, organisations, etc, were after me for goodness knows what. I believed there must’ve been a reason for going through what I did, I tried to prove my theories to those around me…going onto deaf ears, fortunately my wife whom I met after I was diagnosed, stayed by my side, she has only ever known me to be labelled as schizophrenic and overweight (from the medications). She had never known me as stable prior to diagnosis, and when i was slimmer.
But over time, she started to believe me on certain things, in the end, I decided to no longer pursue to prove my delusions (the small ones) because I realised I was causing stress on the loved ones around me, especially my wife, if she said ‘OMG, that seems so true’, she’d ponder on it for a while and get depressed, I couldn’t do that to her anymore, so I stopped and you know what, I forced myself to believe the opposite of the reactional delusions I had, and I rarely suffer from them these days…