Struggling to reveal myself in all my splendor

By splendor I of course mean my truth. TRIGGER WARNING for the entire post. *Disclaimer: Im pretty stable right now these are mostly thoughts and experiences.

I have been lying to everyone in my life about how good I’m doing. The most honest I am is on here, but thats only because I’m more or less anonymous. I lie to everyone in my day to day life.

My second biggest fear right now is losing freedom. Not in a patriotic sense, but more in the day to day living sense. I dont want to be locked in a hospital for the way I think, and I’m scared if I’m honest with everyone it will happen.

My first biggest fear is something bad happening to my loved ones. This is important, as much of what I do is influenced by this fear.

The truth: I am told that if I dont immediately buy something then they will come and hurt my family. It happens when Im at the store, online, playing video games, or even at a restaurant. Sometimes it’s the most random items, and sometimes it’s a wee bit more expensive. I tell people I’m just bad with money so they don’t know that I’m freaking terrified they will come and hurt my pets, friends, or family. I want to hand over my funds to my mom, and I’ve been hinting that I need help. Im just scared to commit because of that nagging fear.

The few people I’ve told this too always ask the same question: who are they?They are them and them are they. People don’t understand that. They are them and them are they. Thats all I know. I dont know if its a group or cult or whatever, but they are them. I have a lot of insight right now, so I know they don’t exist, and if they don’t exist then them can’t exist either. One cant be without the other.

I dont tell people that when Im having an episode I turn mind into a labyrinth so its harder to broadcast my thoughts. It makes me feel safe, and I have guardians that protect my thoughts. Too be honest I think this is definitely more of my imagination and defense mechanism than it is a delusion. I know that the labyrinth only exists in my mind. Ive always had a big imagination and I think the idea of turning my mind into a labyrinth came about from the movie the Labyrinth with David Bowie. I used to practice mazes and labyrinths to get ideas.

I mean, this is where my fear comes in. To me that seems like a harmless practice, and I think its a good coping skill too be honest. It makes me feel safe and secure. I am terrified that if I tell anybody that I create a mental labyrinth with different beasts guarding it then they will send me to the hospital. I won’t see my pets and my family may forget about me. Im a big supporter of going to the hospital to get stable, so why am I so scared of going back? Its done nothing but good for me, but I hate hate hate not being able to do things I want to do.

Well to make a long story longer, the reason why I made this thread is that now I’m obsessing on an idea that if I dont come clean and be completely transparent with my treatment team and family then something bad will happen to my loved ones. I’d do anything to protect them, even if it means being forgotten in a hospital.

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I do pretty well with the meds but I’ve always been pretty aggressive with trying things for better function.

Before meds I had a lot of fear in my life. It ruled my life to a large extent. When diagnosed and I got a bit better I said to myself I’d never live with fear ruling my life ever again and that is why I tried a lot of things to get better function…

Living with your fears isn’t easy but it’s worthwhile to try to alleviate them. I don’t think being honest really means hospital in most cases but it does mean your addressing some of your deeply held fears. I think asking for some help isn’t a bad thing. It takes time to get things right.

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