What I am aiming at is regular practice and study, routine not quantity. When you start doing things routinely, you realise how much time you waste. Applying myself on a regular basis agitates me, breaking up my day of drifting with routine. I know I simply cannot cope with applying myself full time. Even sustaining part time is hard for me. It’s not because I’m lazy, I expend masses of mental energy each day, I just can’t focus it on anything for very long. It is one of the negative symptoms of my condition. As I said, applying myself a little actually makes the lack of focus worse by causing me agitation. I start wanting to do everything under the sun. So what I want is to just do a little, diligently, and routinely, and be satisfied, and happy, with that. Thank you.
So I’ve burned out, partly due to messing up my sleeping habits, although I think these are returning to normal now. As I said, what I am aiming at is regular practice and study, routine, not quantity.
There is one priority for this year after staying sane and that is finishing the core text for my masters in health economics. I can read it all in three months if I read five pages a day. Realistically it will take me at least a year as I won’t be able to absorb all the material in one reading.
There are many other things I’d like to do, like learning all 140 moves of the Lee style t’ai ji form, revising my maths undergraduate, learning TCM theory, and more. But none of these are priorities for this year.
Five pages a day is nothing. That’s it. That’s all I have to do. If I can do that and stay sane, then I will be able to start the masters in September 2021.
The problem has been committing to a routine for a year. I have never managed to commit to a routine for more than a month or so. I don’t know if I am being too ambitious. If I am to do my masters within the next five years then the latest I can start is 2023.
I have issues with setting targets. They overwealm me to the point that I get so worried about meeting them that I give up. Taking it day by day is better. As I have written else where, it is the journey that counts.
I have barely managed a week or two this time before burning out. I fear success, because I fear the changes which go with it.
I have a fear of starting a masters. I have a fear of work. I have a fear of losing my sanity again.
As I said, five pages a day is not much, but to sustain it for a whole year is very ambitious for me.
A better target would be to simply learn moves 1-50 of my t’ai ji, but it won’t get me anywhere other than a slight sense of satisfaction at having achieved something.
Reading the core text has the potential to lead me towards independence, something I fear but crave at the same time.
Diligence is the key that I’m looking for.
Thank you.
This topic was automatically closed 90 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.