Just woke up here at 3:50 am.
A whole lot of things have crossed my mind and while the implications of these thoughts are mild and very much sane and not psychotic. Thinking itself is seemingly painful as the brain just doesn’t want to quit.
It’s part neurotic, but lacks the obsessive quality of paranoia or addictive need.
Profound! I dare say profound! Not to contradict myself. The implications are there, but they are ones I have come to know too well and seeing them again from an even further vantage point reminds me of what my true emotional pains are and were. They are the kind of immortal and burned in “walls” around my life that have effected me so deeply that I have to look back in disgust. Perhaps I have climbed far enough out of that well that was my past. Perhaps I am clearly and most certainly heading in the right direction to find head-calm and a passive mutualistic relationship to my peers in my life and society at large.
I can still sense the echo of the head-noise. I still see spectators’ faces in my mind watching my thoughts and responding as if I’m sitting exposed and transparent in their real life presences.
My money is alright. I’m riding a very fine line of having my money in the green with a properly managed amount of credit. I’m learning the patience and trust of my weekly pay. I know next month my surplus will be double and my sense of financial insulation more assured.
It’s funny to have been impoverished and know what it is to have sold out to the “necessity” of addiction. I see it now as I transition away from riding the broke-line and hate to feel that overall overwhelming sense that it was repulsive, nay, repugnant for me to have maintained such strong dependencies at cost for so long. I see the same light I always thought I’d come to find in sobriety, except now it seems pleasant, earned, natural, and with out the ideological qualms of obstinant defiance. That rogue teenagers who took to immediate gratification in the face of intimidation and lack of trust in more conservative investments.
The sober wreaked of lameness and obligation! High expectations and dissapointments all around. Ideologies underpinning it all that were and are absolutely nonsensical to me.
You’re born, you work, you die. The quicker you learn to do whatever it is the whip is cracking at you… the better off you’ll be. Day one through all the rest. Respect your parents, help them whenever they ask, go to church, go to school, skip that party, study, take to extra-curriculars… just work. Timultuous amounts of cyclical efforts exhausted for no reason more than to keep one feeling workful, instead of the opposite. Reflective and conservative and cautious in the face of spreading ones efforts to thin.
I do think I was intimidated all around as a kid. It’s a weird thing and I’ll sound pompous if I truly spell it out, but I’m going to do so. To sit as a shy introspective kid and evaluate full grown adults through and through for their character and societal role and not find a shred or inkling that I had any natural sense of gratification in doing anything that any of them were doing.
That was basically how all that felt until i stumbled upon Carl Sagan’s Cosmos in my teens… how is that? That amidst all the trials and tribulations of more commonplace lifestyles which intimidated me… the intrigued I felt for the role of high scientist totally leveled my inner defeatest and I just could not quit.
I don’t know where I fit along the spectrum of being a good lecturer or general knower of things. I merely mean to pin-point the oddity of at least being close enough that I’m content, and knowing myself well enough to know that who I am is indeed my “manifest-destiny.” In retrospect even, I can look back and know only from the hindsight bias, that I actually did know myself and had an inner but unrecognized “calling to character.” I’m very much in line with how I always thought and felt, but I’m more mature and willing to take on more of that burden of patience than I ever have.
That’s how I’m doing ideologically and financially.
I’m been trying to do my damndest to reduces my dependecy on nicotine. I’m really trying to desensitize myself to all the different aspects of withdrawal as I try to make my exit from entertaining the act.
My vices are cyclical and feed into each other. Coffee and booze with intermittem cigarettes all along the way. Sleep and contentment with a peaceful mind take the toll and I’m left errant and feeling lost and unsatisfied while I just go through the motions and the divergent expenditures add up.
That’s how I’m doing dependency wise.
Disgruntled to see I woke up at 4 am with no relent in sight regarding the presence of the intensity of my thinking and the immediate need for a cigarette. I’m lucky to have had this place to banter away at as it has afforded me most of an hours distraction as I type.
Cigarette number two seems unnavoidable, but by the end of it I better have found a more decent and engorssing activity to keep myself in a place that will help me hold out through the first passing cravings until the physiological effects of cessation are so abundant and transmorphic that they themselves become entertaining to watch.
I ended my yesterday improperly. I have a hospitality meeting at work at 9 am and I figured I’d get to sleep early, but that cut back my sense of being able to what I wanted. Not saying it’s wrong to have to occasionally wake up early, but combined with the efforts to drop a major addiction, it’s inconvenient to say the least.
If I could have spent a few more hours last night in the comfort of safely detoxing I might have hit a new nicotonic low before slewping, while also having already established a greater sense of autonomous comfort in that state. Leading me to not wake up here with beedy pin-prick eyes concealing a hyper-critical mind that is bound to be hurting itself through psychologically abrasive redudancies until it gets its ass out of bed for one reason or another… and in not havig a reason that just means smoking.
That’s all for now. If I felt I hadn’t worn so many out regarding my bantering on about women I’d go into some more personal feelings and complete the perspective fo where I’m at in life. The only beyond that would be to return to that oh so abundant topic of psychosis and how insights into it really do just continue to unfold and it’s sad that I can’t even keep track of all of it.
I know in the end though, what is most important to kmow is what sticks around. It’s what works for any individual to help them cope from moment to moment.
Retrospectively my thoughts on all this will boil out and refine themselves and I do hope to share whatever insights I can over this horrible mental illness and continue to do my best to be a friend and fellow sufferer to all of you.
I’m happy to be a part of this community. You all have helped me tremendously! Every portion of myself has found friendliness here and someone who relates.
This is Az, signing off.