Sorry for complaining so much

I’ve been a nervous wreck lately. My brain feels like it’s eating itself. I’ve been getting pissed at every minor thing, stressing over mundane aspects of life and obsessing over my past and psychosis. I have no idea what this is all about or why my stability has become so shaky all of a sudden. I’ve also been spending a crap ton of money, I think in an attempt to soothe myself. Really I just want to sleep all damn day.

I don’t know what’s going on with me, my therapist hasn’t been helpful, and I’ve been trying to get in contact with my psychiatrist and have not been successful because they never pick up the freaking phone.

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No need to apologize,

That’s what we’re here for.

We all have hard times and need a little more support.

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Keep ringing.

Can you leave a message for them to ring you back?

Yep have done and then they call me back saying they got my message and to call them back, I do and they don’t pick up. In my last message I was like listen this is ridiculous just tell me what his availability is for the upcoming week in the next message or email me.

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I’m so flipping restless. I can’t relax ever. Especially not in the house. So I end up leaving the house, spending money, and feeling guilty for leaving my mom with the puppy all day because then she can’t get anything done. Restless and exhausted. I get home at night and have to listen to my parents fight and my dad be really mean to my mom and curse at her and throw things. And then awkwardly be asked to put the dog to bed. At least they try not to pull me out in the middle of it now and get me after the fight. Still awkward.

Scared to death to sleep tonight because that thing that attacked me yesterday has been talking to me throughout today. I don’t want it to come again.

And then thinking of it makes me think of all the related nightmares I’ve had. Like one where I was a child and this skeleton thing with bone wings with glowing red eyes all over them kidnapped me and kept me in this creepy place with other kidnapped kids and it never said why it took us or why we were there but its wings would always fall off and it would make us pick them up and put them back on. And at night it would take the sun of that weird place away so it would be absolutely pitch black and we would all be scared to death and we’d ask it not to do that but it wouldn’t listen. So one day we stole the light/sun but it found out and said we’d been bad and had to be punished now and lunges at us and we knew we were going to die.

Or the other where I was having a fun dream about being in this interactive virtual reality role playing game with my friends and there was a well dressed skeleton thing that would show up randomly when I was alone and talk to me and kept trying to get close to me and I’d always scurry away. It was always very polite and conversational, I figured it was part of the game but was still a bit unnerved. Then one day when it came I decided to run and hide in this big crag in a mountain. Little creatures in there came to me and told me that that skeleton man wouldn’t like it if I hid from him, and that he would destroy the world. Sure enough I looked out through the crack and the sky was red and flashing weird colors and the earth was shaking it was a freaky sight. So I ran out of the crag and instantly he showed up walking over a nearby hill and I was shaking from fear and told me, very pleasantly, not to do that again. Later in the dream when me and my friends were in the middle of figuring out a challenge the earth shook again and he broke out of this massive chasm in the ground but he was huge now and much scarier looking and had all these weird tendrils and said “I think it’s time you learned what true pleasure is like” and grabbed me with one of the tendrils and tried to pull me into the chasm with him and I was sobbing for my friends to save me and they did, pulled me away, and he disappeared into the chasm and was gone the rest of the dream.

Or another where a giant skeleton thing, I guess it was death in the dream, was holding me in the palm of his hand in this dark place and asked me to be his wife and I said no, and he said ok, and dropped me and I was falling endlessly in this abyss with human bones on crags on the walls and I freaked out and said I’d be his wife and then felt dead inside or another similar dream where we called in death to be the judge for a trial because we were weird lawyers or something and he said he liked the way my hair smelled and just kidnapped me out of nowhere.

And then those dreams make me think of all the other kidnapping dreams. And you see where I’m going with this. Obsessive.

summary: you don’t really have to read any of it it’s just me giving an idea of what my brain has been doing endlessly this past week or so, just getting sucked down these pitfalls of bad

Have a serious chat to your psychiatrist about risperidone and something to keep the prolactin down. You can probably maintain weight by dieting. You said it’s the only thing that worked for you so it’s time to make it work.

Meds can give you wild dreams I was on trazadone an I had dreams of fire an goblins it was intense I saw the Virgin Mary floating above. We changed that med pretty fast.

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