My mother has been out of town all week for business, like she is most weeks, and will be back home sometime this evening. It’s been weeks since I have showered or changed my clothes, and it occurred to me this morning that I smell pretty terrible. When I notice that, and I know she is coming home, it gives me just enough motivation to shower, because I don’t want to be offensive with my smell. I think it’s rude to subject other people to your body odor and whatnot, so if I can help (if I have it in my awareness) I try not to.
I’m always wearing this thick knitted hat. I’ve been wearing knitted and beanie hats since I was a teenager, because it hides my greasy hair when I’ve not been showering. I had a job some years ago where the dress code didn’t allow hats, but I wore one anyway, for this reason, and nobody questioned it. In retrospect maybe they could tell something was wrong with me, and it made them too nervous to confront me over my hat. I have no idea.
So I took my hat off, and I found several mats in my hair. I’ve never experienced this before. I have very fine, straight hair. But I found 9 of them, in different sizes. There is no way I could have brushed these out, they felt and looked impossible to even exist they were so tight and crazy and hard. So I took the kitchen shears and cut them out. Now my clumps of matted hair are in the bathroom trash can.
I don’t really know what is wrong with me. I’ve had professionals think I have depression, but I don’t feel sad, I don’t cry. I don’t feel anything, I just don’t think of things. I don’t mean for these things to happen. It reminded me of an old roommate from years ago and now I’m thinking about it. I stopped showering and stopped noticing things. My room that I rented filled with trash. The smell came through the vents. I didn’t notice any of it or think about any of it until my roommate was yelling at me about it and wanting me to move out. I never meant to bother them and never meant for it to happen, it just never was in my awareness, I was just trying to work and keep my job.
Even while I’m cutting these mats out of my hair, I know that I should feel something about it, but I just don’t. I don’t care what my hair looks like. But I think I’m supposed to. I think most women would be freaking out if they had mats in their hair like this. My only concern is hiding the cut-off hair so my mother doesn’t see it and get mad. I think I will put it outside in the garden or something.
Sorry to whine/vent this has just never happened before and I feel a bit in shock or something, I don’t know. I’ve always had long periods of being bad at self-care ever since I was a younger teenager, but I’ve never had mats in my hair. I feel like I should be upset. Maybe I am but I can’t feel it. I don’t know it’s weird.
I don’t understand how this all happens. It’s like I’m very depressed but don’t get sad and never cry. I’m sometimes worried this part of me can’t be fixed. I know meds and therapy and things can take away what shouldn’t be there, like sadness or anxiety. But I don’t know what adds things that should be there but are not. I don’t even know what’s missing that makes 10 days go by but feel like 1 day, and then suddenly I have cavities and hobo hair.