Some Random Notes

These are scraps from my journal from around 2015, I believe.

What do you think of these?

5//04/2015 12:23 PM

It was May 4, 2015, and I was tired. I had to write at a library computer since
I didn’t feel like lugging my laptop all over the place. I had miserably failed
my first major attempt at manifesting. However, I had eventually succeeded
in manifesting my earrings (kind of, sort of) because I saw them on Amazon
but did not want to pay $20.99 plus shipping. Instead, I decided to buy a
different, but somehow better pair of earrings for $12.99. I receive them in
about a week. I also finally went Bluetooth with my headphones. A nice blue
pair of Bluedio headphones will be shipped to my address as well as the
I decided to make another attempt at manifesting. Note to Self:, I
thought to myself, try manifesting something you actually want. The earrings
were nice, but at that price I decided that they were no longer worth it.
However, I did find a pair of blue topaz and silver earrings that looked very
nice. The price was simply too steep for me at that moment. So I
compromised. But next time, I thought, I will manifest something I would be
thrilled to pay $39.99 to obtain.
Let’s see, I thought to myself, what would I want more than anything
right now? I thought about it for a while and I said to myself, I would like a
new laptop computer. So I searched the Internet to find the one I wanted. On
Yahoo!, I searched “excellent gaming laptop computer,” and clicked the "rst
link I saw. It was rated 5 stars, so I thought it must be good. Then I realized
the computer in the picture was a desktop, so I went back to my search
results. I clicked the next link, also labeled 5 stars. But all of the computers
were desktops. I wanted to manifest something big: a gaming laptop (which
by the way is very expensive). So I kept searching. I went to a top ten review
of gaming laptops. They were all at least a thousand dollars. Alienware was
the one with the top rating. But I liked the Falcon DRX because it was blue.
But it was over $3000, and it was rated only 7 in the reviews. I clicked the
review, and realized it was heavy, so I switched PCs. I went over to the Origin
EON and…BINGO! That was the one I wanted. I didn’t even pay attention to
the price (which was over $1700) because I knew I could manifest it. As soon
as I get home, I told myself. I will manifest it using the same method I used
to (kind of) manifest my earrings. I went to the site and was pleased that
they came with a smaller model as well. That’s the one I want, I told myself.
So within a few days I decided to use the other tools in that excellent
ebook I had downloaded quite a while ago. They were simple and they
worked. It just took a little, tiny bit of practice, which (after seeing the results
of what I’d done before) I was willing to expend. And so, with no further ado,
I decided to go to Staples and finish my activities for the day. I would read a
little bit of my novel that I borrowed from the library and then I would go
home with my new printer and I would be happy.

5/12/15 1:19 PM

Every once in a while as I went through my day, in those times, I would think as though I were on TV, and my imaginary friends and I were actors playing our respective roles on the TV series “CFW,” modeling itself after the previous series, which aired a few years prior. This was, indeed, a reality in a parallel world, so I thought. I enjoyed all of the situations we would get into, but I wouldn’t talk about them with anyone. Occasionally I would write some scenarios or scripts for the television series I was in, but I had stopped doing that a while back. 2004, to be exact. Or maybe 2006. I don’t remember. Maybe 2009.
In my mind, I was always an interesting, engaging and voluptuous person with a vibrant personality, a light sense of humor and a kind demeanor. I would hide most of it in those days, because it was too painful to face the truth about myself: that I actually am an amazing person who has every right to be alive at this moment in time. I just wanted to think the equally painful thought that I was socially inept, unable to express my feelings to others, and awkward in social situations. Most others would say I was quiet and shy. I know, it’s quite a surprise to think of me in this way now, but there was a brief period in my life in which I was, some would say, “manic” and I had somehow retrieved my social prowess, which was totally by accident, by the way. I didn’t plan it that way. Ever since then I would ask God to bring that back to me. I promised I would be able to control it this time. But to no avail.
I guess if you put a certain amount of stress on the system, it “forgets” to put up its defenses and mania is the result. At least with me it was. But enough of that. I had some things I wanted to manifest. Yes, that is what I wanted to do. So I went a little into the past to hopefully “anchor” myself and I was ready to travel into the future to manifest my hopes and dreams.
The guy I had met yesterday was about to call me. I answered the call and so got his number on my caller id. We talked. I asked him about his age and location (I already knew he was male). We hit it off perfectly. He wasn’t too pushy. He did ask if he could see me but I told him I wasn’t ready yet. Maybe we could talk on the phone a little more first. I didn’t tell him I lived in a group home. It was pretty cool that now I had (kind of) a boyfriend. Alex wasn’t giving me what I needed and everybody knew that. There was this whole thing with Richard to deal with. I had had no idea he would be jealous. I would have to tread carefully or remain single for as long as I knew Richard, or so I thought. But Richard was totally okay with it. I talked to him, but never mentioned Shequan. I wouldn’t flaunt the whole thing in his face. I would go with Shequan in public, so as to not let him around Richard….shoot. I thought I was in quite a bind. I wanted to go out with Shequan, but I lived in a group home. Even if I lived on my own it wouldn’t be a good idea to invite him over so soon after I had met him. And if he was cool he’d know that. I needed my own place nonetheless, so I would be free to meet with Shequan and eventually, for him to come over to my place. This was not possible with Joe or with Richard.
My plan had changed and I knew it. I immediately went back to my old goal of making that magic number $78,000 by the end of the year. I needed idea after idea. I needed to churn out a huge volume of writing. And I needed to get over the fear of sharing my inner world with my readers. How could I do those things? This book, this magical book, would help. I knew it would. No longer would I have people telling me what I could do or not do. Using my creative imagination, I would take charge of my own life.
So I went a little further in the future after talking to Shequan. I respected Richard’s jealousy and wouldn’t brag or talk about Shequan in front of him. Shequan was safe, by the way. He wasn’t a stalker and he respected my wished to take things slow, which was cool, because I didn’t really need a boyfriend at this time. It was nice to have one, but I didn’t need it.
I talked with Richard further and told him I was working on my sales technique. Eventually, the seed money came in and we registered for the sites we needed. We created an eBay account and registered a domain. Using the domain, we registered several email accounts. We created a phone number which was automated with a professional message to make us seem legit as a company. Using the automated system, the customer could reach either of us, or our voicemails, at the touch of a button. That number came with a virtual office, which also helped our image. Using a free website, we printed up a contract which we both signed. We obtained a business license and with all of this preparation, we were finally ready to start selling.
Even though I spent a lot of time playing games, I was still able to do all the things I wanted to do, with no stress at all, unless it was the appropriate kind that gets you motivated. I didn’t even think about it. I had, after all, tried the rigorous schedule. I’d tried shifting the balance, and I’d tried accounting for all of the free hours in my day and utilizing them. Nothing had worked. So I decided to not have any goals at all. Just drifting through life doing only what was necessary seemed appropriate to me.

10/21/15 12:12 PM

I was heavily abused as a kid, told I was nothing, worthless, wrong, bad, and I internalized it in an attempt to reintegrate into society as a low member of it and still secretly have my desires and personal qualities. In any case, I had myself challenged in many ways. I didn’t want to be challenged anymore. I wanted to be what I was even though it was something less than what I deserved. When I have my ideas challenged it can be really hard for me to come to the side of what’s rational and true.
I also found out two things from my therapist:I tend to struggle with finding things to value about myself. I suffer from low self esteem and it often influences my mood. Also, I’ve been talking about my success for a really long time and not doing anything about it.

10/21/15 1:20 PM

[at MHA program]

I was in a group with Juliana and she was doing something with her hand but I didn’t know what she was doing that she wanted other people to repeat. I have always thought that I was a very perceptive person and I never missed anything, but I missed this, and I still don’t know what it was that Juliana was doing.

12/22/15 2:49 PM

[listing some examples of accomplishments]

Set up transportation from program to FEGS to see my therapist one day and case manager another day.
I got my CNA certificate in 2013. I’m on the waiting list for SPA housing. Also, I once wrote a killer oral
report on a game entitled: Ultima Underworld, The Stygian Abyss.

[fake online job interview along with fake job acceptance letter]

Welcome to Interview Chat!
Someone will be with you shortly….

Leonard Smith: Hi there, how are you today?
Me: Fine, thanks.
Leonard Smith: And what job are you interviewing for today?
Me: I would like to interview for the position of Freelance Funny Article Writer. I believe that the salary can be quite impressive depending on how many articles you write.
Leonard Smith: Ah, yes. And how may I address you today?
Me: My name is Girl Beauty.
Leonard Smith: Nice name. So, Girl, are you ready for the interview?
Me: Yes sir.
Leonard Smith: So, as you know, this position is a very demanding position. You will be working three hours a day five days a week. You can exchange these days and times whenever you want, but you must work at least fifteen hours a week. If you work less than fifteen hours a week I am afraid I will have to drop you for a more productive writer. Do you understand?
Me: Yes, sir. I promise to be a productive writer.
Leonard Smith: That is good. And just so you know, if you have any questions you may contact one of your editors in the Writer’s Workshop forum as you wish.
Me: Okay.
Leonard Smith: Good. Now, we are looking for creative minds as well as people with a good sense of humor and the adventurous types. Can you take a paragraph or two to explain how you fit this personality type?
Me: Yes sir. Well, you see, I believe I am a very creative person because when I was a small child I had many vivid dreams each night. To this day I have a very active imagination. Thoughts come into my head all of the time. And some of these thoughts make me laugh. Most of the laughter is about naughty bits, but I do understand that many naughty things are indeed appropriate for the website to which I am applying for a position. And they seem so laid back compared to other sites to which I have applied. No requirements, they said. And lastly, but not least, I look to take risks all the time. I get bored doing the same thing each day. I can manage it for about a week or so, but after that I’m on to new things.
Leonard Smith: Okay. Well, we look forward to recruiting imaginative types all of the time. We know that the idiosyncratic among us are more likely to come up with novel ideas for articles. So, are you willing to take criticism when you pitch us ideas for articles, and are you willing to put forth the minimum fifteen hours a week to work for us?
Me: Yes. And yes. I would be honored to work for this website. I have a few ideas for articles already.
Leonard Smith: That’s excellent. I’m sure you will appreciate the flexible work schedule and the test it will have on your intellect. Now, we do expect funny articles, and the naughty types are acceptable, so don’t hold back!
Me: Ha ha. I won’t.
Leonard Smith: I would ask you more questions, but for some strange reason we’ve been interviewing for half an hour already. I will send you an email with my decision within a few minutes of considering you for the position.
Me; Thank you so much, and have a nice day.
Leonard Smith: You too. Thank you for being such a wonderful interviewee. It was very nice speaking with you. Goodbye.

Job Acceptance Notice
To: Girl Beauty
Date: Mon, January 6, 2016, 11:50 AM

Hello, Girl Beauty!

This is Leonard Smith from the Interview Chat website. Once again I would like to say that I did enjoy interviewing you for the position of Freelance Funny Article Writer (for lack of a more creative name). I am proud to say that you have been accepted for the position.

Just remember to go through the website and read several articles to familiarize yourself with the popular format. Once you’re ready to send us pitches, be sure to check the forum and make sure you understand the correct way to write a pitch before you send one. Above all else, have fun! I’ll be checking in on you starting at 3pm this afternoon.

Enjoy your week, and I look forward to reading your articles once they are published on the website.

Leonard Smith
Non-official Recruiting Agent, website

I figured maybe some of you also keep journal entries? Also, I know I am idiosyncratic,but does that mean I am schizoaffective? I would appreciate your thoughts.

Edited out the email adresses

Lol they were fake. NP.

:slight_smile: Oh, I see.