Soliloquy on the Bargaining Stage of Grief

Now I reconsider: perhaps the subconscious does exist and control our actions. We always have motives. I emailed Kate for a reason… but not a wise one. I still love her! She’d be wise to avoid me, I now think. Contact now would only mean more of the same conflict. I was weak this noon. I gave in to an old lust, a craving. Since yesterday or the day before I’ve felt that I was closer to her; but Kate didn’t know that. It’s only me. Music: “Here, There, and Everywhere.” The Beatles. I am indeed weak. I made a mistake today. A year ago, never mind five years ago, were a long time in the past. A lot has changed since we enjoyed The Beatles together. I was a heavy drinker then. I had no local friends then. I didn’t have a WordPress account then. I slipped through a wormhole this noon; time warped back to 2013 and lived in the past. Tried to revive it as if it were still now. Idiot! Kate is gone. No sense in going back. Obviously, I haven’t yet accepted the loss of her. It hasn’t fully sunk in. I want to pretend it could be now as before. It is called “bargaining,” a stage of mourning. It comes before acceptance. I’m doing the “would have,” “could have,” and “should have” stuff. I got “drunk” on caffeine and drowned my sorrow… For all I know, Kate may have divorced Kevan and married Richard in a year’s time. As much as has changed in my life could doubtless have changed in hers. I feel like a fool now. Of course I’ve been thinking about Kate over the weekend! Since at least Sunday. My grief is a still unresolved issue. Thank you for reading, whoever did.

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