I’m juggling two things that occur to me at various times of my day. Sometimes I am caught up in the rush of life to just catch up and win over the “normies”. I feel equal to them but I lose to them too much.
So I back off and I tell myself, "Anything I do in life is a bonus because I really shouldn’t even be alive after what my illness has done to me. For someone having one of the top ten disabling disease in the world and the most serious mental illnesses of all, I have done pretty damn good.
And the third factor running through my mind is that I grew up so unaware and awkward and withdrawn and (I hate to say it) not very good looking and I never talked to girls and tney never talked to me. In fact, I didn’t say two words to anyone during high school for about 90% of the time. I don’t think more than four or five women liked me in my whole childhood and all through high school (that I’m aware of anyways)
So when I a women smiles at me now, to me, that’s the equivalent of Elvis sleeping with his 5000 women that he claims or me scaring that gang member is the equivalent of Mike Tyson winning the World Heavyweight Boxing title… Does that make sense? I laugh to myself every time I somehow get someone to laugh at a joke or I scare someone(I really don’t like doing that much but I admit it gives me a rush to scare off bullies.).
But yeah, its pretty funny when I get back from after an hour drive home, often through bumper to bumper traffic and I think to myself, “You’re effing amazing. You did amazing miraculous stuff without an ounce of confidence”. And I just laugh at myself in amazement at the things I do.