I’d say I’ve never been this alone, except I have. Guess I’ve never understood people, been through sheer horror…and yet I’ve been close to people, at least I thought I was. Now I’m feeling like the most misunderstood person on the planet (not claiming to be…there are so many of us…just feel like I might qualify) I know you must think I’m insane…if you’ve been on here all the while I have you must have some dim or distorted view of me and I don’t blame you if you do. I’ve lost my mind so many times during so many horrific trials since I started posting here.
The reason I started posting here is that a family member suggested during a trying point in my life that I look for an online support forum for schizophrenia…and me being oh so suggestable I found this site. It was shortly after moving back to my home town in a place above my parents garage to help start a clubhouse, I had fallen back on family during a reclusive and trying time in my life.
That’s all fallen apart and was never right from the beginning, place turned it’s back on me along with my orginal club for reasons I still yearn to know for sure…if anyone would be mature and direct enough for any ounce of honesty, but no. I mean…I would be.
This world I’m stuck existing in is driving me insane, those I’ve trusted most have betrayed me, driven me out of my mind, and repeatedly broken my somehow still beating heart. I’m left wondering…what does it mean to be human? And what does that make me? Because I am, very much so. All those people I’ve known as friends…so many turned their backs, and yes I’ve been a bridge burner, but then I’ve been in such unimaginable pain.
So…world. I am me. I am rejected, misunderstood and living in and have lived in the dark and am waking up to a world that to me seems mad, overly judgemental, cruel and closed minded…not sane. I have no idea why I’ve been through what I’ve had to go through. My family has me locked into this state of reliance on them while not being supportive of me (sabatoging and gut wrenchingly cruel in fact) so goes this damn town I grew up in and am stuck in…which I love…I do.
If you’ve read this far, well, wow I guess. I’ve just found myself in a living hell in a place where personally if this wasn’t going on I think I’d be able to find it within to pick up the pieces of my shattered life and move on, make a life for myself. But I fear, and boy do I fear…not enough though…if I feared enough as I should I would never leave my place. I’d just sit here with my cat and starve for lack of a friend to bring food. I fear my life and reputation is over (I will live on if I have anything to do with it…too late now) I mean will the world ever know…
I just…I trudge on…probably making things worse for myself. I cringe at what I’ve ignorantly put out there on this great internet of ours. I just…I can’t but go on living in this hell as I feel so misunderstood and victimized…I am. I am. And what I also am is my own worst enemy…I just stood no chance. Never had one.
Just want the world to know who I am…and yet I’ve posted so much confusion and my own slander of myself out of some false sense of security and well…some illusion (delusion?) of privacy…that I fear the world will never know.
I fear I’ll never get the chance to figure out what really happened to me and those around me will (not that this day is soon to come, certainly not by my hand, though I don’t know that I won’t one day just disappear somewhere) only know me by what people think and assume, what I’ve done to myself, and not who I am on the inside who struggles in this mad fashion to tell the world who I am and only ends up with my own foot in my mouth.
What I feel inside is good, is warm, is well intentioned. How ever many bridges I’ve burned by simply being stuck being who I was at some point reduced to…I just wish I’d never left a footprint other than the footprints I left with those I’d known and shared times with.