Slipping into cracks

You know that feeling you get when people are watching, and you’re doing something, and you let the fact that they are watching you make you nervous, so you do that one thing which would never happen if they weren’t watching you or if you just weren’t nervous?
About 9 years ago, I started having dreams… like I would be walking on a bridge with friends, and suddenly I would be being pulled off the bridge by an invisible force. And…it’s nearly impossible to fall off because their are rails… Then the dreams started to get more intense. Soon there were never people in the dreams. But just objects that would stretch as if I were pulled into somewhere miles away. A small dot in front of me would stretch into an object expanding for a mile or so. Eventually I started to get this in real life. By 17 or 18, I stopped dreaming altogether.
Now I always have that nervous feeling, but even when I’m not nervous or not even around other people. It’s an unsolved anxiety, that always pulls me in a direction that’s even hard to go in. It’s almost as if just knowing the possibility that something could happen causes me to become so aware of that small small reality, it must come to be. In my mind, if it can happen, it will or must happen for some reason, or it just seems to split my thinking, like living in two realities. It’s either all or none. There are no maybes or mights, no could bes or might bes. Just is or isn’t.

I was wondering if other people here experience that to a great degree?

About a year ago, I started to teach myself to think in gray. In web development we call this a gradient.:smiley: See vvvvvvvv

When I think it feels more like this:

And this is my thinking in terms of maybes:

When I take supplements there’s a lot more gray strips, and they spread out more evenly. Was just wondering how many other people can relate.


What you describe is similar to what I experience. I focus on something negative I could do and I get so anxious I end up doing it. It’s a deadly conversation killer. I still dream vividly, but lately my dreams have had a disturbing quality to them.


Exactly D: