Detailed account of my experience of relapse 10 days ago may be upsetting to some but I just wanted to write out what happened so I can express it and make sense of the traumatic experience I have been through. I dont want to be around many “friends” right now its just too much trying to delete facebook.
I skipped a dose of abilify and I became sort of manic, and I went to the casino and won $1300 from playing a slot machine. I was so determined to win, and that thrill was a happy feeling. Then I came home, no real friends to celebrate with—I turned to facebook. I wrote a post that I wanted to find a cheap car, so I can start working and become independent. A woman reached out to me, said she would help me and bring the car to me with the title she was going to buy it up front, then give me the title. So crazy, eventually she decided not to do this-even though I still was mesmerized in a niave manic state about having a vehicle. My dad says you cant get a car for that much anymore.
A couple people said that, I stupidly ignored them, then arrogantly invited this woman to pick me up so we could go to the casino again. I had my cash hidden in my room but took out $200 so I didn’t bring it all with me. They prob thought I had it in the bank. So I drove with this girl who picked me up in a truck, she had a pink shotgun, and found out she was a felon. still didnt ask to go home. Stayed with them the evening, temptation struck asked for drugs/she said lets get a hotel with my boyfriend and go to the city 2 hours away. Itll be so fun.
She had already made reservations and within thirty minutes im in the back of felon’s car headed to the city. We pull up to sketchy areas, she gives them my 200 and its worthless crap anyways, and then we go to the hotel, lucky I havent been abandoned or robbed yet/but before we get there she punches her boyfriend while she’s driving and they fight in the front seat. I dont know why. Her boyfreind says she’s showing off. They check in we go upstairs I realize he had bought some downer/heroin with my money. They have five capsules just sitting on a table all night and eventually I break one open, and I wake up surrounded by six police officers with a thing on my face and they’re begging me to just keep trying to breathe,
Im near dead. Its like echo chamber i cant see the people clearly, just glimpses of the closests man who looks like all of them at once so one person looked like six or he was the face of all of them and he stays with me until Im in the ambulance than Im at the ER and I call my dad crying and tell him. I feel in shock, the doctor tells me I have to wear this mask to breathe or he will put me under. I cry dont put me under.
I am there for 10 days total, five in the ER, I carefully took off some of the things I shouldnt have removed, and kept trying to leave, because after they did that they baker acted me or sent me upstairs, where I was treated for the schizoaffective. Its been very traumatic, I just got home a couple days ago. My purse was stolen from inside the hospital, and all the extra cash I withdrew at the ATM was stolen before I got in the ambulance by the sketchy people. My dad says I was set up. I know that med compliance may have been a factor in why I was so dumb and gullible to be set up by strangers to go to a strange place and almost die.
My IOP person discharged me while I was in the hospital so I dont have any IOP to fall back on even though I was supposed to but the addictions therapist recommended rehab.
I have been in the psych ward, its not very effective therapy but I am back on Aristada. Im still fighting with myself and my own ignorance. Im still watching youtube and conspiracy theories my mom’s not well so my living situation is a little stressful and isolated at the same time. I gave my dad the $1100 to hold onto and I keep screwing up and asking him to send me back the money so i can buy stuff online. I almost relapsed the day I came home. Maybe shock had to do with it. But I really dont know if I trust myself and the negative situation is hard to process so I wonder if I should admit myself to a rehab.
The thing is they wont accept me unless I am in active use, but I dont know. There arent any real good ones just the one close to home but they may put me on suboxone probably not, but i may admit myself to the local rehab again and try and stay this time.
I dont know that I should but I probably should call them today sorry for all this I just had to vent I have not been able to put it to words. I have a blood clot, trying to quit smoking too, so maybe a rehab would be easier with the nicotine patches and keep me safe from the outside world a little longer than 10 days.