I’m getting very uhh lackadaisical about my sleep schedule… it’s so different now. not being confined to a single room during these hours or those hours because others are sleeping.
I’ll lay down for a while… but typically when I feel I’m actually about to fall asleep… like tonight at 11:30… I had just put french fries in the oven… so I drift off the timer goes off… I have to take the fries out… hoping to get sleep I go to the bedroom immediately… lay there for over an hour…
Get totally relaxed… the voices fade… the mind is clear… the stress of the day not so imposing… hell I even quit feeling any concern about being alone… which is usual for me but whenever I meet a new girl it always drags me into this near obsessive state of focusing on the progression of those endeavors…
Well so that’s a good thing… because it always annoyed me that I had that tendency to focus… it didn’t seem wise or rational… and all the times it lead me to be to anxious and less smooth about things which led to failure are testament to that.
However today has been very stressful… at this point now it might be appropriate to start calling it the head circus… because it really does just feel like noise… activity… the confusion is still there… the mystery of the construction of the voices and why they say the things they do.
I’ve learned a few things though… just today… sometimes it is best to lay there for a while and let boil simmer down. Reject the psychotic scenario… reject the psychotic self view, refuse to led the voices determine the next statement of the consciousness. I really had given up on the blank state… I don’t concern myself with attaining it now… but lying in there I was closer to it than ever… 16 seconds or so without even an inclination to think… I was able to just watch the voices for a while… they became more benign… i’d fade from focusing on anything and they’d seem to dissapear… i’d get the focus back… more voices…
then all the sudden… well I’m done here… relaxed and satisfied with how quickly I was able to calm things down and let go of my worries of the day…
Determined that I got to stick with my plan. I was stressing over the potential of dating and having to put off the orders and payments I had laid out for myself. These are things I have determined I really must have, and it wouldn’t be right to make a girl pay for everything.
I won’t have any money until febuary… I was content with that 3 days ago… it’s not that far off. it’s best that I stick to the plan. If this girl wants to hang out then maybe there is a chance that something real can grow out of a situation like that… but I’m not gonna dave chapelle it… I’m just going to be upfront, that I won’t be going out until febuary… (from there I could surprise her a few times.) I have a plan though for my apartment… I think she’ll respect that kind of approach… she knows about my illness, and me being on benefits, and she’s only been reasonable so far.
When I was stressed though… I felt lonely, almost desperate… felt chaos… had paranoia about my car breaking down… was totally annoyed with everything… including myself… I was managing to be patient with some things… but I also kind of ruined someones night via text message… she’s just a friend… was just casually texting with her… it turned to talking about exes and sex… I eventually was done with that topic and told her we should switch gears… she then said something along the lines “You just don’t want to talk about sex because you’re not having it.” This girls mind is always in the gutter I’m pretty sure… this was after 20 minutes, I didn’t like she said that…
I said some ■■■■ at that point… she called it a low blow… but it was just a response… an escalated one but oh well… you don’t ■■■■■■■ make someone talk about sex if they don’t want to.
Anyways back to square one…
The only reason I logged onto okcupid the other day was because it had been a while and I wanted to see if this particular lady had signed on recently… I sent her a message about a month ago, but she had been offline for a couple weeks at that point… got to thinking about… so I checked… Lo and behold… this girl I knew from a different town 5 years ago was on there… that worked out pretty swelll, but totally sent me plunging into this chaos of desire/ uncertainty/ total shifting of perspective on how the next couples months might be…
And honestly I know the girl from the other town… she’s cool… but I’m way more attracted to the girl I was originally logging on to see… both of them were 75% aligned or more with the questions portion of the site.
So I don’t know…
Also… aftet 3 hours of sleep 5 cups of coffee… it’s not good to go driving around in 5 pm traffic with no sunglasses as the sun is setting… that was worst part…
I also cut my own hair today and shaved… not all the hair just trimmed the sides and top and bangs mainly… it wasn’t too long but the shape was terrible… my mom did a bad job… so I just cut it all back to right before the length it tends to get curvy and sway this way or that… first time I’ve cut it like that… might figure out how to call all of it even the back… buzzers worked pretty well for thinning…
I’ve got an uncle who cuts his own hair… so it’s possible
Take care folks… thanks for reading. 