You’ve done the right thing. Some people are givers and some are takers. Sometimes people can convert from one to the other but it has to be a willing change on behalf of the person. Seeing as your daughter has abused you so many times and has never complied with any sort of therapy, what choice did you have. I can appreciate it’s tough and always will be. You still love her and care for her, you just don’t want to be taken advantage anymore. You did the right thing @leaf.
One last thought, @leaf, I looked up “oppositional defiance disorder” on Wikipedia and it quickly brings up something called “Conduct disorder”. The two get confused apparently. But it’s actually “Conduct disorder” that deals with theft, and not showing respect to age-appropriate people.
(Granted, I use Wikipedia a lot.) But you may want to take a look at “conduct disorder”, it could be a topic that brings you two closer should your dialogue with her reopen. I’ve been misdiagnosed in the past so I think it’s appropriate to share this stuff.
@Leaf I understand what you’re going through. My mom made a similar decision with my older brother. He had a history of dangerous and antisocial behavior, too. She ended up letting him come back and live with her after he had a kid, because she wanted to be close to her granddaughter. He used that opportunity to hurt my sister (who lived at home) very badly, and my mom threw him out that night. She felt horribly guilty over cutting off contact, and over not inviting him to Christmas, but it had to happen. We all felt guilty. But he is a dangerous person to be around, and we couldn’t keep opening ourselves up to more pain. Every few months, he makes a big deal about how much he’s changed and how he’s doing well now. And then he gets a DWI, proving he was lying about everything. He currently lives in a condemned building. That’s his choice. It’s where he deserves to be, based on the actions he took to end up there.
Your daughter has been using and hurting you for a long time. I know you put up with it when she was pregnant, for the child’s sake, but it’s okay to say no more. As a side note, do you think your granddaughter is safe living with her? If not, you might be able to speak with social services about taking her for a while. Remember that emotional abuse and neglect are very real things, even if there is no physical abuse.
You have gotten a lot of good responses and advice already and i don’t have much to add. Just that it is important for you to have healthy boundaries. I know that it has to be super hard because this is your daughter but you would be doing her no favor by condoning her actions. It is for the best that you set these boundaries in your relationship with her. I think you are doing the right thing.