My daughter has always been mentally ill. I knew at age three that something was off. I took her to behavioral health to be evaluated after I found her in the bathroom holding her kitten under the hot water running in the bathroom. They said is was concerning but after evaluating her they only thing they said is she might have ADHD but it was too soon to diagnose because most 3 year olds had attention problems.
It just got worse and more concerning until 3rd grade when she finally was diagnosed with ADHD and we started meds. But none of the ADHD meds did work to help with her concentration or behavioral issues. When she was in 5th grade I asked the school to modify her educational program to accommodate her disability and they did psychological testing on her. When I met with the school psychologist he reluctantly disclosed that she may be a sociopath.
Life at home was a living nightmare with her refusal to follow basic rules and lack of courtesy. She was often violent and disruptive. She was beyond messy and refused to take responsibility for her share of the work. She would sneak out and get in trouble in the community. She would steal cigarettes and give them to other minors. She would steal my tip money. She bullied her brother.
In 7th grade she stole a considerable amount of money from me off one of my credit cards and it wasn’t the first time she had stolen from me and other people. I decided to press charges. She was arrested and brought into the system. Due to her lack of cooperation in rehabilitation and her re-offending she stayed in the system til her 18th birthday. During her time in the system she received various diagnosis like oppositional defiance disorder, bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder in formation. She could never get stable on meds due to lack of cooperation in taking them because of side effects.
She came home at 18 but it was short lived thankfully. She moved in with a boyfriend who eventually became her husband and they had a baby. Now at almost 20 with a 7 month old baby and a husband that refuses to get a job. She’s about a month away from being homeless and she yet again has stolen money from me.
I have no more left to give. I cannot teach someone who will not learn. I have to protect myself and my family from her constant disruptions and disrespect. I have told her she’s no longer welcome in my home. I feel a great sense of loss and I am saddened beyond any sadness I’ve even known. She is angry and keeps sending me horrible messages saying what a horrible mother I’ve been and how I let all these men rape her. And she knows what buttons to push to upset me and she’s pushing them all. I’m trying to tell myself she’s lashing out because I’ve cut her off but it still hurts.
I told her she could come back if she admits what she did and gets into therapy. But I don’t think she can ever admit to it. I think in her mind I owe it to her and she’s justified in taking what she wants when she wants.
I’m sharing this because I would like someone to tell me that I’ve done all I could do to help her and that it’s ok to walk away now. I want someone to tell me it’s ok to to be done being in that toxic relationship. I want someone to say I did the best I could and I can stop feeling guilty now. I really need to hear that now.
Tough love is hard, but the only way for her to learn respect for you is to set boundries, after she learns (if she does at all) that taking from others is wrong and her lifestyle fails a few times, maybe she will come around and learn to try and live a honest life.
Right now she will throw anything she can at you to make you feel guilty and to take away the attention from her wrong doings. Best not to argue with her, just offer love as support for now and keep the boundries in place.
@Leaf you did the right thing. I have the reverse, my mom addictions and mental illness have plagued me my whole life. I’d think I was in foster care or a ward of different states because I’d been a bad child. I did every could to be accepted and loved at the expense of myself. I developed sz, and was I comforted with love, of course not, am I loved ow that I am older, nope. She is Completely incapable of love. I hear from her when she needs me. That’s it. I have a transactional relationship now. Please realize some things are out of your control. Mods plz forgive me as I am not religious or have any intentions of offending others, but googlethe serenity prayer. It gives me a compass when I can’t get things straight. Lots of hugs
I pressed charges on her to scare her. To get her involved in the probation department. They removed her from my home because she threatened to kill me and my husband. I didn’t know she was going to wind up committing a burglary of another person’s home and going to jail.
Who are you to judge ffs? Nough said. If aren’t here to help others, I suggest a different site. I’m done engaging. The power of friendship is strong on this site, and us regulars are here for @Leaf.
I agree that setting boundaries is what your forced to do now. Still I can identify how confusing that is, she’s still a blood relative(your daughter even) and you do have a big thing in common with having mental illness.
It’s confusing bc you have to protect your mind from regret. (If the days pass and she still doesn’t admit her crime, for example.)
I’m not familiar with those diagnoses… but will educate myself and possibly have more to say in an effort to help.
sorry leaf, that sounds like a really difficult and distressing situation, i think everybody here would probably handle it in their own way,
i practice forgiveness and i think it is easier to forgive sometimes but obviously without being treated like a doormat, there is something about how many times you are suppose to forgive but i think its more of a personal thing,
i’ll pray for you guys and hope for a better outcome,
Hi Leaf, I read some on Borderline Personality Disorder, I felt like I should know more about it in general too.
Two things jumped out in regards to your case Those with Borderline have a fear of abandonment. And for purposes of mitigating regret in the highest form, they are actually even more prone to suicide than those with schizophrenia. (10% of those afflicted die from it.)
Due to all the chances you’ve given her, communicates the soft spots you already have(maybe I’m not breaking any new ground)… but in some sense I echo what moshtaba was trying to say. Your daughter, just like you, are sympathetic characters now.
It’s really confusing, and I know switching gears appears weak, but I wanted to add thoughts to your daughter’s side of things, bc this thread seemed lacking. Wish I could fill you with conviction on what to do, but you’re the one with the most information, so it’s you who can make the best decisions. Feel free to write more on this, especially if you think it’s helping.
My mother and I both have mental illnesses. That’s not an excuse for committing crimes. Society doesn’t excuse us; therefore, we must accept life on life’s terms
I agree that if she had borderline personality disorder my decision would be cruel. But I don’t believe that diagnosis. I never have believed it. I think she needs to see a trained clinician for a diagnosis now that she’s an adult. Perhaps a diagnosis could help her begin to get a handle on some of her challenges. But that’s on her now. She has made it clear she doesn’t want my help in that regard. In fact she’s made it clear that the only thing she wants from me is money. Which I don’t really have to give. All I know now is I can’t continue to let her disrespect me. There has to be a consequence to her actions. She can’t just hack my bank account and go on like nothing happened. I’m done. She’s on her own. And my heart is broken because I miss her so much and I may never see my granddaughter again.
Interesting. Maybe I’m in the minority with the camp I seem to be falling into. Also maybe I should have reread the whole original post as a refresher before responding again.
Edit: I see leaf you don’t think it’s borderline. Perhaps I’ll read up on the other two as well so long as I don’t get distracted by other posts. I feel committed now so I think I will write more soon.
I understand your interpretation but when toxicity enters a persons life, sometimes, they have to say no more. It’s a very difficult decision for anyone to make, but for the sake of sanity, sometimes hard decisions have to be made. To fill you in, a user made a very very inappropriate post to @Leaf
No in fact I think she had narcissistic personality disorder. But that’s just a suspicion and I’m definitely not qualified to diagnose something as complicated as personality disorders. That’s why it would be great if she would seek professional help. She has so much going for her if only she would tend to her dishonesty.
