Shame of sex?

Lounge
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Hey, I’m sorry you struggle with this so much.

When I met my husband, 9 years ago, I dressed more boyish. Baggy men’s shirts, extremely oversized hooded jackets. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I realized eventually that I was subconsciously hiding my body. Because I had been raped, 4 times, by different people, prior to meeting my husband. I didn’t realize I had PTSD, at first - the reason I was so ashamed of being female.

My husband (like @Leaf’s ex-husband) has a very healthy relationship with sex. He respects me, he wants me to feel good more than he wants himself to feel good, he makes sure I am comfortable, he never pushes for anything if I am not in the mood, etc. He has helped me feel confident.

I now dress more “girly”, most of the time. I used to hate that I was cis-female, constantly trying to hide my form. But now, I embrace the body I was given.

I’m not trying to convince you that you should have sex. That is totally up to you and how you feel about it. I just wanted to tell you my experience, in case it helps you.

It’s always good to be healthy, but I think you should love yourself no matter what. You are beautiful and you have a great personality.

All bodies are beautiful. And there are always people who are attracted to your body type. There’re people attracted to all kinds of body types. Big, small, tall, short, big hips, small hips, big butts, little butts… you get the picture. :smiley: Speaking of which, I used to be embarrassed of my tiny boobs, but my husband loves them!

There’s love for every kind of body. It’s good that you want to be healthier, but don’t let that desire make you hate your current self.

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Yeah, it does because sometimes youd prefer not to be alone all the time. But it kind of is what it is for me. I try not to dwell in case i start to shame myself and hate myself.

The voices have come up on this theme because of the above before so i try to avoid it altogether. It was very horrible when the voices started to mock me for it

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What are the two main causes of sexual dysfunction?

Sexual dysfunction is a common problem among both men and women. It can be caused by physical problems and medical conditions, such as heart disease and hormone imbalances, or by psychological problems, like anxiety, depression and the effects of past trauma.

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Please stop copy and pasting google ■■■■ on the forum.

It’s getting real, real old.

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lay off responding to my view

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Thanks Blossom. :two_hearts:

I appreciate it.

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u use google everyday

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I was hypersexual when I was younger, including when I met my husband. It’s common amongst abuse survivors to get their identity and value all mixed up with sex. But after my abuser died, and therapy for ptsd, and menopause and antipsychotics I pretty much lost every single ounce of sexuality in my body and became asexual. I tried for a couple years to get my husband to understand what that meant and what I was able to give in a sustainable way to the relationship but he couldn’t hear it. I tried my best to explain a problem that I myself didn’t fully understand. Many, many times I said I don’t want to have sex anymore, but he heard that he wasn’t doing it right. So he kept trying. I got clearer. I knew my marriage was over when he came to bed and I was pretending like I was asleep so he wouldn’t bug me for any and he just lifted up my nighty and started having sex with me. I just let him and was lying there with tears. I think that’s one of the last, if not the last times. Every time he came to bed after that I would get up and leave. I used to go to bed really early and he would come in at 1am or 2 am so I already had like 5 hours of sleep. Anyway, he didn’t mean to, but he pushed me away.

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In my own case, its strange in a different way, when it comes to sex,

I’ve never felt comfortable around other people, but by my own, when I am alone, I feel even dirty minded :smiley:

Not sure how to explain it… maybe I feel too nervous or shy around men, but its very very difficult for me to be relaxed.

Overall I was abused when I was ~4 year old by my neighbour, I don’t even remember what happened, but I know he asked me to took of my clothes and tried to touch me with woodstick. He was like 7 or smth
And Idk if it could count as abuse. He didn’t hurt me, but I know my parents wanted to call the police.

But when I was 9, and naive, I’ve had a friendsclub acc and few men were “friendly” to me and asked of my erotic pics, I’ve sent it, then asked for where I am naked, I said no and then they manipulated me, were calling to me and said “If you don’t send us yourself naked, we will share these erotic ones”
Even though I was 9 I was rlly scared so I blocked them.
Cruelest thing that… they were 30+

I believe these accidents in my life made my shy when it comes the “sexual” things. I worry about myself a lot when it comes to sex. Idk if what I told helps, but I actually believe that many woman some problems with sexual things (some of course bigger problems, some smaller)…

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That’s terrible. He should nt have done that to you. There was no consent. :pensive: And he was your husband

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I know! I had to leave. He had no concept that what he was doing was wrong and bad. He thought he was doing good, and an expectation. I couldn’t make him see. Please don’t think badly of him. I haven’t told anyone this before because I didn’t want anyone to think he was bad. He’s not. And he’s my very best friend and I love him dearly.

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Hmm I guess no one is perfect and he didn’t understand how it would make you feel. Still, I’m sorry that happened but I understand what you mean.

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I’ve only had sex a few times in my life. But i don’t feel shame around it…or around doing it myself lol

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I used to struggle all the time with feeling dirty and ashamed for doing sexual things.

I was sexually abused as a child and my abuser used to blame me for what she was doing to me. I was also raised Catholic and they were definitely promoting a lot of shame around sex.

I am pretty hypersexual and used to use sex as a method of self harm and sometimes I still struggle with that. But over time I have gotten a lot healthier about it.

My partner has helped me process and figure out a lot of my feelings. And they help me stay safe about it. There are still times when I get triggered or try to hurt myself with it and they always stop me and help me calm down, and typically the night just consists of cuddles and comfort. They never pressure me for sex and are super understanding.

Between therapy and my partner I actually am pretty healthy about sex now but there are still times where the negative feelings get to me and that’s ok. I know that I’ll probably never be completely free of the shame or negativity but as long as I handle those feelings in a healthy way I’m content.

That being said if you are content with being sex free you should take steps to embrace that part of yourself. If you aren’t happy with that I recommend trying to process the root of the shame in therapy.

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@leaf I’m sorry I know you don’t want people to view him negatively but what you just described is rape. And that’s horrifying.

He should have a concept that seeking sexual gratification from a seemingly unconscious person is wrong and bad. He should also understand that having sex without consent isn’t sex that’s rape.

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I’d love having sex again. I’m too scared of dating to have it though. Too afraid of repetition of my past. I have high libido, but also fear.

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That is sad @leaf, I’m sorry. It is not okay.

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Sex is a good thing to me. I know some people go through molestation and have a skewed view of sex but it’s all not true. Sex can be a beautiful thing. Just find a way to make it good. I had good partner’s sexually and all they wanted was to satisfy me but I realized I can never be truly satisfied. I have needs like a woman in her prime. Though I believe the right guy that can truly challenge me would come around eventually.

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