I feel a different kind of contentment with myself these days and it indeed seems like it’s growing. The most telling sign is my comfort around people.
My psychosis has responded to this comfort by drastically dropping in effectiveness in maintaining my neuroticism.
Acceptance… to think what underlied most of my issues was sexual… to think the life experiences I needed to find peace with myself were indeed things I had to seek out and make happen for myself. I could feign content in my lonesome… however I was not.
I was in conflict over many things with the world. It left me in a stance of criticism and disrespect for the world which didn’t lead to a proper suturing inside or out regarding my bond to the world.
The only thing that anyone should feel they have the right to change is themselves. Anything beyond that is almost blasphemous to consider legitimate.
I want to keep typing so I shall. It’s good exercise and I know at least a few folk like to read my rants. Though I believe most of them have moved on away from the forum.
The tangent here is the pairing of human beings and quantum particles via metaphor. We have so much in common with the fundamental elements of existence that it’s a laughable thing to ignore their character and how it can apply to us. I’ll leave out the metaphysical abstraction of occult energies being the underlying framework of existence and all that law of attraction crap. What makes any of that true is just as negative mindset ignore the good, positive mindsets can down play the bad. Keeping optimistic allows you to know what you want and feel deserving of it when it comes. You do a lot less talking yourself out of things and dwelling on the past if you are optimistic. Karma and all that fate crap only seem true because what seems like impossibilities are often inevitabilities especially when one allows themself to move around a bit in the world.
That 1 in a thousand chance will eventually show up if you keep rolling the dice. Not to endorse gambling… but in regards to jobs and human relations (friends and romantic partners) it’s a safe gambit as talk is cheap and only cheaper the better you get at it.
So that’s the end of a tangent within my tangent.
The quanta. These particularly configured little bits of energy that all have a roll in the greater framework of what existence is. They have quantum duality embedded into them… they are very slippery and impossible to monitor in full. You can’t gauge one’s position without effecting it’s velocity and vice versa and neatly enough the particles are ambiguous until they collapse… They are observable wave-forms that interact like particles… when observed they are very much particles but how they move otherwise indicates that they are waves…
I find this resonates with my view of people. Especially those who you can only see from a far. We have different dimensions and aspects of self… we are all full people… but context has us collapse into one of a number of states… and the observer (YOU) is a factor in that context.
Oh what a joy it would be to me to actually get to know someone… to sit on their shoulder and follow their movements and know their mind. Alas this is not actually possible. Even a more practical definition of getting to know someone is nearly impossible… we all have things we don’t like thinking about or trauma’s from our past… in fact if you look at the human that is here now versus the collective human that contains all that they were… we are insignificant fragments of our greater self as we must let go of our past self because it is to burdenous to carry around.
Only by reconveyance can you get to know who someone was in the past. And that reconveyance almost always doctors the stories and who the person was.
I’m at peace with people now because I have given up (nay, suspended) my need to fully know someone else. I thought getting to know someone would set me free of my isolation and better connect me to humanity… however there are great risks in counting on people to be that crutch and bridge for the self.
Fate would have… not that it’s predetermined, but that by the obvious unfolding of my life, I have inevitably made enough friends to understand that human character is the predominate importance to being a human being. Character is divergent the amount of characters is vast… but character is what the human is that is sitting at the unfolding end of it’s past self and doing its best to remain human!
It just looks so different now to not be intimidated by others… I still feel most of what I’ve always felt around them… but the neurotic need to meet different people to balance my lack of understanding regarding dissimilar character types is no longer cued and maintained ongoingly.
In the end I’m a simple guy. My character is simple. I have a simple job and I live in a modest apartment. My future will be modest from the outside, but if I’m careful I can truly craft a life that I’m in love with.
Things I want to do… College and then be my own boss… Move to the country outside a town…
I believe that cities are much like people… if I move around enough or travel… I will find a town or city that I fall in love with… all the elements I find distasteful are down played all the elements of life and style will be better represented… regarding how many cities there are out there it’s impossible for one to not be close enough to give me the appropriate sense of not being bonded to the world, but being bonded to humanity… modern humanity… the humanity that lives this way in cities… random faces every day… strangers shoulder to shoulder in line… it’s humanity itself… it’s inescapable… you have to embrace it to find peace.
When I find that city I’ll know it’s the right one because I’ll have somewhere to go… Decent variety of parks and coffee houses and other public spaces… a place that lacks all the formality and the mandate of purpose behind people getting out of their house.
A place with good geography and decent roads… neighborhoods that are more interesting to walk through than just miles and miles of houses side by side…
When I get there I’ll hopefully have my money coming in somehow… I want to go into software but I do lack a lot of the skills needed. I can comprehend software but it’s the development that still escapes me… it’s hard to take the plunge when every time i see the opportunity everything is different.
Still the dreams are there. They are latent but undying… it’s about being opportunistic and beyond that getting my understanding to more certified levels…
I jsut can’t believe how easy it is to sit and focus now… my conflict with humanity… male or female or other is all just so easy to look past and maintain myself… maintain my character and sense of curiosity and need to spin things to be entertaining for myself…
I’m pretty much happy as can be to look forward to the unknown of the next coming months. I get to have my money sitting straight once more… I suspect I will drop the smokes for good… and from there I’m going to have a lot stronger emphasis for preoccupying myself and filling my time with more healthy things.
Perhaps it’s all just growing up. All the lessons were in place and now they are coming together.
Patience and solidarity… work ethic… and standing up for oneself… most important aspects of character to me.