I’ve been living with schizophrenia for 22 years. I haven’t heard voices in over 10 years. I hate being on disability. I spent 8 years in the workforce trying to make it. I get $900 a month and I don’t know how I’m going to survive on it. I was making $800 a week when I was working.
My mom has lung cancer and my grandmother has Alzheimers. They’re all I have. At this point everyone in the family is out for themselves. My mom has no will and is in total denial about everything. If something happens to my grandmother I get her car which is at the end of it’s life span.
With my moms problems I went tot he doctor and they found 3 growths in my lungs. The doctor said they’re to small to be cancer. I was suppose to go see a specialist back in April but I haven’t done it.
At this point I really don’t care. After everything I’ve dealt with in my life I can’t wait until it’s over. At some points I smoke 4 packs a day. My anxiety level is so high I get no relief. I was thinking about going and getting a fifth of liquor to try and calm my nerves. I’m taking Valium twice a day and it works for about 2 hours then I’m back to being a nervous wreck. I’m hoping to drop dead. I don’t want to deal with my life or this illness any longer.
I haven’t had hallucinations in years but I get no enjoyment out of anything. I can’t take antidepressants I’ve tried several over the years. Paxil Prozac Zoloft Lexapro they all make me a fruitloop.
My mind is torturing me and I see no way out. I don’t plan on harming myself but I’m not doing myself any favors either. I just want to drop dead as soon as possible.