Serious Death Wish

I’ve been living with schizophrenia for 22 years. I haven’t heard voices in over 10 years. I hate being on disability. I spent 8 years in the workforce trying to make it. I get $900 a month and I don’t know how I’m going to survive on it. I was making $800 a week when I was working.

My mom has lung cancer and my grandmother has Alzheimers. They’re all I have. At this point everyone in the family is out for themselves. My mom has no will and is in total denial about everything. If something happens to my grandmother I get her car which is at the end of it’s life span.

With my moms problems I went tot he doctor and they found 3 growths in my lungs. The doctor said they’re to small to be cancer. I was suppose to go see a specialist back in April but I haven’t done it.

At this point I really don’t care. After everything I’ve dealt with in my life I can’t wait until it’s over. At some points I smoke 4 packs a day. My anxiety level is so high I get no relief. I was thinking about going and getting a fifth of liquor to try and calm my nerves. I’m taking Valium twice a day and it works for about 2 hours then I’m back to being a nervous wreck. I’m hoping to drop dead. I don’t want to deal with my life or this illness any longer.

I haven’t had hallucinations in years but I get no enjoyment out of anything. I can’t take antidepressants I’ve tried several over the years. Paxil Prozac Zoloft Lexapro they all make me a fruitloop.

My mind is torturing me and I see no way out. I don’t plan on harming myself but I’m not doing myself any favors either. I just want to drop dead as soon as possible.

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I’m sorry that you have been through all of this. I used to feel very crappy mentally as well. The supplements sarcosine and fish oil have helped me. While I still dont feel perfect I have noticed improvement. I’m not a fan of antidepressants. If you haven’t tried supplements yet, I would recommend giving them a try.

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I am sad to hear you are so down…don’t talk like that man…life is worth living no matter how bad it gets…it will always get better…please take care of yourself and follow up with your doctors…please don’t drink on valium…it can stop your heart.

Yeah, if antipsychotic routes have been exhausted, it seems like diet, supplementation and lifestyle are the means of reducing symptoms.

I am on this supplement called Daily Essential Nutrients by Hardy Nutritionals, and it’s really doing a good job reducing my brain inflammation and symptoms to where I am starting to feel more grounded and comfortable. If I recover in the next two weeks like I did in the past two weeks, I think I’ll be able to watch videos hallucination-free.

They are FDA approved and have numerous studies showing its efficacy against various mental illnesses, so it’s pretty credible.

It has a good track record in healing anxiety as well. Check out this link for more articles about it:

They have a 1 week supply if you just want to test it out and see if your anxiety goes down within that time. The changes happen pretty quickly.

Aside from that, I’d suggest avoiding things that raise anxiety, like eating high fat, high sugar foods, and maybe trying to avoid wheat since that can break down the blood-brain barrier in susceptible individuals.

Finally, minimize lifestyle stress if you can. It can damage the barrier if you are in a vulnerable state.

I don’t mean to repeat something I put in another forum, but I used to be a social worker before I developed schizophrenia. My career in that field is over, but I don’t think that means I shouldn’t work at all. I am currently not on disability and experience daily “visions” as I like to call them. Sure Walmart isn’t the best job, but I have opportunity for growth within the company and could eventually get into management. Having a disability doesn’t keep me at home. I do try to let most of my employers know that I have schizophrenia so that special arrangements can be put in place for those especially hard days. There are many other careers I could look into, the arts, agriculture, basically any field that doesn’t put me in a position that could be potentially harmful to others. Personally though, I just feel lucky that I have employment, despite the fact that I once was labelled by a psychiatrist as requiring full-time care by a trained facility for the rest of my life.

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Sorry you are feeling that way. It sounds tough. Hugs from here, wishing you the strength to deal with it and some relief.

maybe the bad weather is getting you down? try some vitamin C i would say

You’ve been dealt a really rough hand @Wantsome480 I’m not surprised you feel the way you do.

Please tell your doctors that you’re feeling like this though. There’s other meds available for anxiety.

Keep fighting.

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I’m sorry you’re going through so much. Keep an eye out for your inbox.

Thanks for all the well wishes. Things got a little better today. My grandmother wanted to go to the casino so I took her and I won $500. My aunts mad as hell. My mom and aunt are in control of my grandmothers fiances. My aunt said my grandmother should just throw the money on the grill and burn it. My mom said go ahead and take her if it makes her happy. My grandmother is living on borrowed time and the way I see it is if she want to have some fun why not. There may come a time where she’s incapacitated and her money is just going to pile up in the bank. With her alzheimers she could become a vegetable. It’s exactly what happen to my other grandmother that had it. If that happens my aunt is going to have 10’s of thousands of dollars to play with when it’s all over. I just want my grandmother to enjoy herself while she still can.

I’m in charge of the credit cards and holy hell did it hit the fan when my grandmother ran out of money. She demanded her cards to get more money. I told her no and she had a fit in the casino. I’ll take her as long as it’s within reason. I know her financial situation when she can and when she can’t afford to go.

Before my grandmother got Alzheimer’s she racked up $90,000 in cash advances on her credit cards. She paid if off though and is mostly debt free for now. I still feel guilty for taking her though. She played for 6 hours and I just baby sat her most of the time.

I don’t know what the future holds for me and sometimes my illness gets the best of me. I told my step dad what I posted yesterday and he told me not to worry about a thing. He said everything is going to be ok just hang in there. He agreed with my mom about taking her to the casino. He said I do enough for everyone and to go have some fun.

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