Self-harm during psychotic break

DX'd - Other
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I want to preface this by saying I want to talk about what happens when I’m in psychosis. Nobody asks though – understandably. That is why I post on this forum I just want someone to vent and listen.

When I was in my last psychotic break I burned my leg with a cig. At that point in my psychotic break I thought the CIA was recruiting me to join (side note: I actually applied there before my psychotic break). I thought I was viewed as weak by them so I decided to burn myself.

It’s serious stuff, but it’s scary and also funny.

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Why would you want to work for the CIA? What do they do that interests you?

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I knew a guy who used to put cigarettes out on his hand at my parties. I was blamed not him. Because I didn’t stop him of course because that makes sense. Sailor who never went to sea this guy but for all I know he could have done anything by now and all I did was work my ass off for nothing and break my own heart only to find myself eaten alive by my own family. But it was my fault.

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I cut my arm sometimes when the voices tell me to. They say ‘cut yourself to prove you’re real’ And sometimes I do.

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I bash my head into the wall or a doorframe until I feel lightheaded. I cut myself, not very often anymore. I hit myself and scratch myself… I was bulimic for over twenty years, but that’s rare now. Sometimes I’ll sit with a knife because Seraton tells me what to do with it, but I’ve resisted so far. Seraton is my angel companion who makes me feel safe in crowds, etc., but sometimes he’s cruel. I don’t know why.

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I used to harm myself because a voice told me to. When I was in the hospital they thought I was bpd because I didnt tell them I was hearing voices.

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I used to hit my head into the wall multiple times because I believed, if the extent of my faith was enough, God would protect me from brain damage.

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I’ve cut and burned myself before, but I haven’t done that in a long time because if staff where I live found out I would lose my apartment.