I can’t get to sleep. I was just about to fall asleep when a dark thought jerked me awake.
See, I was abused when I was 16 by someone I should have been able to trust. When I tell others about what happened and how I blame myself, they always tell me it wasn’t my fault. That if it happened to anyone else, I would have blamed the abuser, not the victim. And it’s true.
BUT
the thought/realisation I’m losing sleep over is this: I could have avoided it. If I wasn’t so terrible at putting up boundaries, it wouldn’t have happened. I could have left at any point, but I let him talk me into staying. I let him lead me to the bedroom. I let him take my clothes off.
People tell me I was young and scared and insecure, and he took advantage of that. He was the one who exploited my weaknesses, he was the adult, he should have known better. Guess what, so should I.
I don’t know if it’s the voices being hard on me (because they’ve been active today), or if it’s just me, but the thought is bothering me, and I can’t sleep.
And I see where people are coming from. And they’re right, and I shouldn’t blame myself, but I do, and the voices do, and it hurts.
I can’t make it stop once it starts, the self blame. I just gotta wait it out.
Is there any way, without doping myself with seroquel/quetiapine, I can make the flood of negative thoughts stop, at least long enough for me to get some sleep?
How do I break out of the self-blame?
How do I learn to live with what happened?
Voices are evil in 99% percent of the cases, who cares what voices says, Its not your fault what happened to you, but if you feel the voices are harassing you just say “■■■■ you, you are just a noise”. Never engage emotionally with a voice of your head, What happened to you was out of your control, now you are safe that is what really matters…
There is a forum called Myptsd that is very supportive as I frequent it often and I know how you feel. I was raped by a teen (((friend))) when I was ten and some days are unbearable but I see a Tdoc once a week for that. I’m sorry @Berru
I got taken advantage of by an adult I was supposed to be able to trust. You’re not to blame. It’s important not to focus on the what ifs.
There are different therapies you can try. That can help you over come that thinking such as cbt.
And I know it’s hard to believe. But its not your fault what happened. You were a kid he should have never taken advantage of you like that. He is a predator.
Just take time to breathe remind yourself it’s in the past. Tell yourself it wasnt your fault even if you dont fully believe it. I hope you can sleep and find some peace.
I tried CBT for almost a year, but the therapist was more concerned with making sure I wasn’t a closeted lesbian forcing myself to act straight, so I quit because I didn’t feel like I got anywhere.
I got further talking to a friend with similar problems for an hour about it than I did with her through 9 sessions.
That shouldn’t keep me from trying again, but I can’t afford it right now.
I’m sorry to hear you were abused too.
I definitely still focus too much on what-ifs, I hope I can break out of that cycle soon.
Ugh she sounds like a wanker I hate it when docs don’t take you seriously. I’m sorry you went through that.
I understand that well maybe someday if you want to you’ll be able to try again.
Well I’ll be honest with you, I’m still working through it myself. Some days It barely bothers me other days I can’t even function.
I find on the really hard days I just have to remind myself that it’s in the past I can’t change it and that sucks but at least it’s in the past. I have to remind myself that I’m not under her control anymore. And I tell myself that I am never going to let that happen to me again.
I try to focus on the good in my life at the present, cause though what happened was horrible i try to remind myself that there’s still good in the world.
It’s hard to accept but you can’t change the past. I found that once I came to terms with that it made things easier. Sometimes I just take a day to feel horrible about it just cry and think to myself damn that was ■■■■■■ up. Because it’s ok to feel bad about it cause it was ■■■■■■ up.
So my advice is basically focus on the present just take small steps to accept and improve yourself. It happened but you are more than it. You’re a good person berru.
I’m not sure where this never-ending self-blame comes from but I had similar experiences of self-blame voices. When I was on seroquel several years ago, the voice came back suddenly at night before I went to bed. (I guess Seroquel is not a powerful med to suppress voices) The voices were so cruel because they kept blaming me for every single little fault I once made in my life! It seemed I was blaming myself, but in fact it was the voices in my mind were performing persecution on me.
@Berru you’d better change your antipsychotics or just add the dose of seroquel. And bear in mind that this was not self-blaming but the persecutions by the evil voices!
