So I have mentioned how when I am bored I often fall into the trap of going back to my triggers. SZ can be exciting, and it is what I am paid for after all, such is the benefits trap.
I have a really good opportunity to do something with my maths paper that will benefit me and contribute to the growth of maths. Whether that is a good thing or not is a matter of perspective. I also have the opportunity to study TCM informally and hopefully more formally when my shiatsu classes start again. Finally, I have the opportunity to work on myself, which we all do, in reality, through our life lessons. What more do I want? Am I being wanton?
I have been attracted to the drama of the world and the adventure of engaging with it, even though this has harmed me. The drama of the world seems more important to me than self care. Engaging with it gives me a grand purpose that flatters my pride.
My purpose should be self-care, am I complaining by saying that, or is it that I fear failure of self?
I am content with what I have, yet feel ashamed for being diagnosed SZ and thus being a failure in regards to my father’s expectations.
I am scared of my dependency on others, yet do nothing to change this, other than to toy with publishing something.
I am scared of being judged, yet constantly strive to place myself at the centre of judgment.
Anyway, life goes on,