Hey guys and gals… New here to the forum… I struggle to figure out what’s real and what isn’t? I do know for whatever reason certain numbers stick out to me more that others… 7,37,36,63,39,12,50,86,57,13, etc. I use to get high on meth and I would hear people talking about me and about how terrible of a person I am… I’ve also got the thought in my head that because of my actions something bad is going to happen to me or my loved ones, etc and also that I’m going to prison/jail for the rest of my life or when I die… needless to say I haven’t done meth in almost 8 months nor have I sold it or do whatever needed to be done to obtain it, or do anything illegal in that amount of time. I still have these nagging thoughts that someone is out to get me and that I’m being watched-monitored through the TV… I work all the time now and have been doing better in that aspect and have turned my life around. Still these nagging thoughts about the worst possible scenario in my life…Am I going crazy? What’s going on? I just want to be a good person and do the right thing in life again. It’s spiritual I do believe but I feel in my heart that it’s too late for me and that I’ve done so much bad that it can’t be forgiven. It sucks living this way. If I could go back and rewind I most certainly would.
Have you seen a therapist or anything for these thoughts and ideas? They would give you the best answer. But in my opinion it sounds like you might have some kind of drug induced psychosis or the drug use may have triggered some kind of predisposition to suffering from these kinds of ideas.
Anyway welcome to the forum.
That’s my life in a nutshell. Thanks. I wish I could put it exactly into words to where it all made sense… I just have a lot going on in my head and the negative thoughts are relentless.
Thank you!! I feel like it’s spiritual in some way… It’s frightening to say the least. Thanks for having me… maybe I’ll be able to write down Everything I’m trying to say so it will make more sense…
Are you on medicine? That’s the first thing to stop the thoughts. You aren’t the only one who has had thoughts like that. I almost smashed my TV cause I thought it was a selfie screen and everyone could see me. Also almost turned violent. I was driving around with a loaded gun.
No, I’m not on medicine yet. I also feel as if I’m doomed for hell. And that something tragic is going to happen to me or my family… I’m hoping it’s only thoughts. When I was out getting high on meth and stuff I was hanging out with devil worshippers and what not unfortunately. It was bad… I’m trying my best to better nowadays though.
It’s just thoughts. They only become important the more you pay attention to them.
It’s like seeing a red car. Then you notice red cars are everywhere. All the stop signs are red. I keep hitting red lights. Red is a 3 letter word. There’s 3 lights on a stop light I keep getting red lights. Maybe it means I should slow down?
Hope that paints a picture of how it’s easy to create more meaning out something that doesn’t mean much and start connecting it to everything.
I call it the connecting the dots game.
But the medical term is ‘ideas of reference’
It is never too late for you to be a good person. You can always change… as long as you are alive you have a chance to change and be a better person.
yeah my voices make me pay attention to numbers especially the number of the say like if 3rd landed on a Sunday they start saying stuff
yeah my voices say iam going to hell forever and that your all not real but I dont believe
Are you on antipsychotics?
You sound like you need a mood stabiliser and then the thoughts will align to that , assuming you fight the irrationality side of your thoughts (the delusions if you will).
There’s nothing wrong in being spiritual, but if you let them takeover the meaning or ability to reason your mind and the way you see reality — that’s becoming a delusion; superstitious thoughts are (as far as the holy scripture I know of) frowned upon as unfaithly or unwise and dangerous — close to magic or close to believing in the concept of magic — something that can only be done in a miracle — something that does not happen.
(If you’re reading this and thinking miracles tie in with religion or spirituality; then in my defence, that’s not true because, scriptures do say that there is both metaphor and literal meaning to their passages)
That’s the thing… I was around people that were into the dark magic and there’s an app on my phone that kinda ties into the dark magic stuff… I literally feel like I’m living in hell… maybe meds will help… I don’t know if I’m coming or going half the time.
You need medication. And maybe some talking or reading therapy.
What you need to do, is use the voice of your own that is in your head (the one you read with) to think really hard.
What I mean to say is.
Try to do critical reading. And do it using factual topics. Eg, read a newspaper. or read a diary/journal of a biography.
You need to strengthen the voice in your mind that is falling prey to ideas that are easy to align with (irrational/superstitious). Those thoughts are delusion potential pitfalls because they will build brick by brick, a taste or tendency to think without logic.
As a schizophrenic risk person; you are required to be a logical as possible so that you can fight or control fear. Our fears are usually from unrealistic triggers. You have to fight that.
Yes we do have fears which are plausible, but the emotion we feel. The emotion we feel, is usually disproportionate to the plausible fears. This is probably because the irrational fears (which we are very susceptible to) are sitting in the back of your thoughts.
If you avoid illogical or superstitious territory, you will be able to ground yourself in a more “real” world.
There is research that psychotic liability goes up with mathematical ability (British journal, Scandinavian study)
This research makes sense. Psychotic disorder is exactly as the name suggests. It is a disalignment between a real and not real concept in the mind —- so this means, you can control it, by, in essence… not being “too creative” or like we described — not being too “magic”.
All the best my man, you will make it out of the horrible confusion and painfully time consuming process of this situation or episode! Fight it!
Thank you so much for the encouraging words my friend! Very well said and I’m going to work on it. Hopefully with some religion things will start to get better. Seeing a Dr for meds is definitely the next step. I’ll keep you updated with my progress and thanks also to care of enough to help. It’s greatly appreciated!
What stands out about your problems is that you are paranoid. Drugs tend to do that to a person more than usual because when you’re doing drugs there’s a lot to be paranoid about. Getting busted, the fear of your loved ones finding out about your drug use, most times you can’t trust the people you party with and when you’re doing drugs you tend to gravitate to the worst people and the worst places.
So maybe you are carrying with you still some of that paranoia that you learned from using drugs. I know a little bit about drugs from being addicted to crack for four years. Never tried meth though I came awful close. I turned my life around too. My escalating crack use was leading me down a bad path in life but in 1990 I got a good chance to kick drugs and I joined AA, CA and NA and got serious about stopping drugs and now 30 years later I’m still clean and sober. No drugs or drinking for the past 30 years.
Anyways, since you chose to post on a site for schizophrenics, I assume you are worried you might have schizophrenia or become schizophrenic. We can’t diagnosis you but I can say some of your problems are common to schizophrenia.
Here’s a tip: for all those bad things you’ve done, a good start to being able to forgive yourself is to stop doing bad things. That’s a good start and you might have figured that out already. I don’t know how much you know about 12-step programs like AA or CA or others but part of the program is working the 12-steps with a sponsor who guides you through them.
And one major step is making amends to people you have hurt in some way. Sometimes a simple “sorry” is enough. Other times an explanation and discussion with them is necessary. Also, fixing certain wrongs you committed like paying back people you stole or borrowed money from. If you make a concentrated effort to make amends a lot of people will understand and forgive you. Other people won’t. But if you know in your heart that you made an honest effort to reach out and “right your wrongs” than you can forgive yourself.
Yeah, I won’t go down the list of your problems one by one but many people have one or two of those same thoughts but they usually don’t dwell on them. But the fact that you have a combination of all those fears means that something is drastically wrong and you need more help than the average person walking around.
You will find solutions sometmes and much support on this site but it also sounds like you need professional help.
With pleasure! You will overcome it!
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