I love my thoughts
I don’t think my dad understands how ■■■■■■■ depressing it is to sit in a poorly-lit room all day. It’s so overcast, there’s no real light coming in here.
I took a bath it was amazing. I did not have bath salts but I had raw himalayan salt so I added that and a pear bath bomb in hot water. I also put on a collagen face mask
After 20 minutes I got up and took a shower. feels good.
Sephora has the spring sale on friday. I get 15% off. I really want to order lots of new stuff.
Today I ordered dead sea salt from Israel, new bath bombs and masks.
I am so happy my bath is fixed
Sitting in the dark is ruining my ability to enjoy anything. I can barely see the keys on my keyboard. I want to try to play a video game, but I won’t be able to see my ■■■■■■■ controller hardly (which, it’s not that I look at my controller while I play, it’s that being in a poorly lit room ruins the experience for me). I’d buy a desk lamp, but my dad would probably complain about me having it plugged in and turned on anyway.
I’m having a panic attack.
I’m so tired of suffering. I sleep for 14 hours a day. I’m barely eating. My meds aren’t helping anything. I cry at least once a day. I explode at the tiniest of inconveniences because I can barely handle existing, let alone any problem on top of that. I’m sick of being told to just grin and bear it.
I went from so anxious I was bursting into tears all of the time back to so depressed that I wish I could just blip out of existence. I need a fix NOW. I can’t wallow like this for another week, assuming my boyfriend even gets enough money together in a week to finally ■■■■■■■ come here to get me to appointments so I can GET help.
2 kinds of people: the kind that tells people to clean up their own mess & the kind that just cleans up other peoples’ messes and then gets angry they had to do it
I don’t understand the 2nd kind of person…if I walk in a room & see a giant popcorn mess my sisters made, I call them in and make them clean it up. My dad is the same way. If my mom sees the mess, she cleans it up, and then rants about having to clean it up. Why? Just call my sisters and make them do it, they’re capable.
Same thing happened w my apartment mates. Having a million mental problems, I was often absent minded and sometimes would do things like leave a piece of trash behind & completely forget it was even mine to begin with. Completely unintentional. I found out at the end of time living with them that they were really angry w me for having to clean up after me and felt like I assumed they were my maids. I was shocked and upset to hear this because they never once approached me saying “hey you left something in the common area can you clean it up.” Not once. I would’ve been apologetic and immediately gone to clean it.
Honestly it makes no sense to me.
Yeah, I get you. My mom and I have had that fight many, many times.
I’ve not been angry about picking up messes sometimes, but there is another thing that annoys me about it.
For one, I don’t do it for many other reasons other than that I simply don’t like messes.
The messiness of other people to me though says a lot about their state of mind. Most people believe ‘everything will be gone so I need to live it up’ and because of that… they leave messes everywhere.
It’s discordant and ‘sick’ in a sense.
The other thing that annoys me is that despite the fact that you might clean up people’s messes they somehow expect that your time could also go to working a 9-5 job as well. If I’m going to be a ‘butler’ I expect to get some payment and no grief about it. Or at least some understanding that someone has to do this or it won’t get done.
Today though? Nope, you gotta be a high-end paid person to be respected. Sorry, people learn to respect me because I do not put up with their ■■■■■■■■. But they know I’m not ‘stiff’ and ‘authoritative’ about it because they see I don’t make a fuss and still manage to be lighthearted.
Another problem today is that everyone wants to do what they want and this leaves ‘messes’ everywhere and overloads others who are constantly at the tail end to pick up their junk.
I don’t like the ‘telling people’ to do something. This creates a sort of falsely ‘positive’ sense of doing things. People who learn to think like that can become authoritative and have no real concern for what’s right. Especially if new information comes their way to tell them that they might’ve been wrong.
Reminds me of when my brother would get mad at me sometimes because I wouldn’t ‘help him clean’. I’m like, “If you want it cleaned up, then clean it.”. His response said a lot about his state of mind, “But it could be cleaned up faster if you help me!”.
A lot of messes I find in my family are accumulating because they’re giving in to their vices.
And god, I hate getting praised for cleaning the dishes or something. “Thank you, Daniel.” My response is always a sort of assertive, “I don’t do it for praise! I do it because it HAS to be done.”.
Sorry, I rambled a bit. But I mostly don’t complain at all. I really like it clean. Makes the home feel like home. But yeah, I don’t understand making a fuss. Even though my grandma leaves huge messes every morning I wake up I still just remember to pick it up. I mean, no matter how many times I tell her - or what we tell her - the messes always gather.
Honestly, wish a lot of people in the world would lower their demands. That I think should be (or maybe it is?) the point of ‘fasting’. Gives more people a chance to rest and gather themselves.
I was talking to Mr LED and we couldn’t think of a single food that we wouldn’t eat bread sticks with. Like, a lot of food would be weird with bread sticks, but we’d probably still eat the bread sticks.
Speaking of food. I have some biscuits and gravy to warm up later tonight.
They can be, but the ones I’m talking about are super soft and bready and covered in garlicky butter and dill. Mmmmmm
I think the idea of not telling someone to do something is not beneficial. I think in a perfect world everyone should simply “know” what they are supposed to do, what other people want and expect of them and act perfectly and do everything in the exact time span everyone wanted it done in, but in reality that’s not going to work. Communication is everything.
My mom would often say that as well “I shouldn’t have to tell you!” But as kids and teens we were 110% absorbed in our own worlds. We are often still that way, I try to be as mindful as possible now of course it’s just we all have our own lives and our priorities often don’t match up.
Also though I think I have an extreme amount of patience and pettiness when it comes to making someone clean up their own mess. Like for example if my brother uses my toilet and gets a mess on the seat, and I find out he’s out and won’t be back until night I will use a different bathroom literally all day until he gets back and then force him to clean it I’m like I am not TOUCHING your pee.