Deep breath in…it quivers down my throat as my lips tremble. As I release my leg starts nervously tapping. Tears form, threatening to stream down my face so I pinch the bridge of my nose and go for a second breath. I have had a very negative conversation about Schizophrenia and was accused of not actually having the disease…ha. Yeah, sure okay the past 15 years of my life have been a lie then?
I’ve fought internally with the voices telling me to hurt myself, slit my writs with the sharpest knife we have, find a tall building and jump…yeah okay I apparently don’t have schizophrenia so what are these voices I hear, the voice of God? The time I saw a man standing in the corner of my bedroom, could have sworn he was there choking something, then disappeared when I turned my light on and reached for my cell phone to take photo only to find him gone…but I’m not schizophrenic, so what was that?
I am not falsifying anything. But apparently I’m just making this up based on supposed books I’ve read…? What books have I read about this? I’ve done internet research to try and understand my disorder, because I wanted more than anything to be out of the mental institution and back at home with my family. But that was years ago. I haven’t read much since, except what I could find online like the national institute of mental health, Webmd, Mayo Clinic, CDC…
The National Institute of Mental Health claims Schizophrenia as a severe, and disabling disorder that has affected people throughout history, and a sufferer may believe other people are reading their minds, controlling their thoughts, or plotting to harm them. Causes can be of several factors: Genes and environment. It is known that Schizophrenia runs in families, and other recent studies claim Schizophrenia may result in part when a certain gene that is key to making important brain chemicals malfunctions.
I highly recommend reading this website: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/schizophrenia/index.shtml
I am Schizophrenic. I admit to having the disease, and that is a big accomplishment for me as it embarrasses me to know that have a disease that is thought of so negatively in society. It embarrasses me when I think back to my times of delusional thoughts and how I’d react to them, and people seeing me act that way. I can not change that those events happened in the past. I can work as hard as I can to prevent them from happening to me again in the future, but the fact that Schizophrenia is not cureable I run the risk of relapses. I have problems thinking straight, but not all the time.I have times of normal, lucid moments Then have times where the Schizophrenia takes hold and I just have to pass and hope not to many people see in me that state of mind.
Don’t tell me I’m misinterpreting things I’ve read and claim that I have the affects of Schizophrenia based on that. YOU DO NOT KNOW MY LIFE. Now I have to go sit somewhere quiet and fight this panic attack that’s building up inside of me because I’m afraid people think I’m making everything up. At the time of the hallucination I do not know it’s a hallucination, I only now that after the fact, after my mind has come back to reality.