(Skip this paragraph if you want, tl;dr at bottom)The past few years, I’ve had a life of more work and less sleep. Working most of every day, then ~4 hours of sleep, then right back to work. Even then not wanting to sleep in fulfilling my crave to work. I’m one of those people who think they’re invincible if they just try hard enough. And I tried, very hard. Maybe a bit too much. But I was driven by a 3 things, one of which I would imagine being an overflow of dopamine(with pretty bad insomnia).
A few days ago, one night, I decided to get off the computer, stop work… try and reset my sleep schedule by just going to bed, sleep or not. Somehow I had fallen right to sleep…
That night I dreamed about one of my delusions. Note: I don’t dream ever, unless I nap in the day. Well I dreamed, and in it, I thought about the delusion, then I thought “Hey maybe it’s not real after all”, and it was gone. Not even a worry.
The next morning I woke to a very strange land…a non-sz land. It was NOTHING like I had felt since 17. I laid in bed thinking “I’m not szfrenic” Nothing bothered me. I felt nothing really would. Atleast not in that analytical, warp-speculative kind of way. I knew that something in my brain had switched like a light switch. Turned around? Flipped? Or just off.
So I continued laying in bed thinking about it, but decided to do something strange. You might think it’s strange. But I decided to try and flip the switch back on. “BUT WHY??” Because I wanted to know it was real. I wanted to know it was a switch. I wanted to be able to know how it feels to go in between one and the other because I knew I would probably be sz again. And I wanted to be able to tell other people about it.
It was very early in the morning(but I had slept ~10 hours because of the time I feel asleep). So I watched some YouTubes about sz…Found some useful info…1.2.skip a few, I’m outside. It’s 9am, and I’m wondering where on the beautiful green earth I’m at. I look, I turn. It’s the most peace I’ve felt in a long long time. It’s not just the season change. it’s not just the weather. It’s me, as a non-sz.
Later that day, I had went into town, taking care of business, like getting my MS tag, liscense, insurance…all good stuff to keep me from getting another multi-hundred dollar ticket.
I stopped by mcds to get a couple large fries(I don’t eat their scum burgers because of reactions). But then did something stupid, with reason, but stupid nonetheless. I got a coke. Drank it all. 30 minutes later I feel the psychosis creeping in. Which is scary because I thought it would be a switch like 1 and 0 right? This was more like 0 … 0.1 … 0.2 … 0.5 … And I’m pretty much on the border of sz land. It IS like a switch, but more like a dimmer switch with only 3 dimmer options, but the middle one can never be used for more than 30 seconds. Once it’s off it’s pretty much off. Once it’s on, you can feel 100% and it doesn’t go away. There is a small transition tho.
The next few days I’m an idiot and swamp myself with work. I’m pretty much sz… we had some visitors, and I freaked the ■■■■ out and went to a motel, where I drink more caffeine to try and psych myself into finishing more work. In short, I’m supplementing caffeine today, and trying to calm my brain down. So far so good. I wrote this didn’t I?
- sz seems to be a switch, atleast for me
- sleep is a very good thing
- caffeine is a very bad bad thing…atleast for me
- non-sz seems to be a very peaceful thing
- YouTube actually has some good sz info now