I often joke half-seriously that my job description is “mentally ill”. In fact I believe it even if it doesn’t carry much credibility. Schizophrenia feels like work. I believe this world is a dream and one can move between dreams, some of which are more hell like and some of which are more heaven like. When I relapse I descend into hells and try to help people rise out of them. This is the work that I do. When I am sane I spend all my time preparing for the next relapse, not anticipating it, but processing the experiences of hells that I had the last times. I write about my experiences and try to share them lest any one else finds themselves in such hells. I work, work is just the movement of energy, so everything is work, but I am not employed, and I cannot work as an employee because I keep relapsing. I have asked why I have kept relapsing, and I also want to know if I didn’t relapse, what work would I do. I have tried working as an employee in the past and always ended up relapsing and having to quit. Nothing holds my attention as much as descending into hells and proving to myself that this world is a dream. But I don’t really want to continue down this path, at least I don’t think I do, it is frightening and terrible, I am filled with paranoia and I feel unsafe. All work has aspects that are hard. When I am sane, I am for the most part very happy, although some times a bit lonely, so my work as someone who is “mentally ill” is not all bad. But I would prefer to work in some way that had a higher status, did not describe me as a failure, though that description may be in my mind. I don’t know what I can do other than remain schizophrenic. As I said in a previous post, I truly believe everything is a choice. We can choose to regrow limbs even if we have the right set of beliefs. This world is a dream after all and everything in it is in our imagination including our bodies. I need a set of beliefs that will allow me to leave schizophrenia behind, believing it is work is probably one of the beliefs I need to discard. But I need alternatives to believe in. Somebody said in answer to my previous post that they got better when they started to realise that what they thought was real was not. I don’t believe anything is real, it is all in my imagination. I need some purpose that is more attractive to me than going into hells and helping people. I don’t really have any desires other than to eat, drink, smoke and sleep, and process my experiences. Where do I start, if I want to move forward? Thank you.
Actually I think I am putting a better spin on my condition than the reality. I say I travel to hells and help people to rise out of them. In fact it seems that I can barely help myself out of them, let alone other people, but by helping myself I do help other people I think. Perhaps this reasoning is wrong. I want to help other people, but at present the only way I can do that is by helping myself, by making sure that I cause the least disruption in life. I have been very disruptive when relapsing in the past, but my parents say I am getting better. The relapses always feel as bad as each other, the hells always feel as traumatic, but I am getting better at not being so disruptive when I am in them, that is according to my parents. So this perhaps is progress. I want to help people, and I still feel like I want to live a life with a higher status. My status as mentally ill prevents me from starting a family to my mind, but then so do the realities of being mentally ill. As I said, I find it hard enough to help myself, let alone look after other people. The only way I can help other people at present is through helping myself. Does that make sense? I want to move on, but I am still caught in the idea that progress comes through dreaming, and I have still been relapsing, dreaming hells and nightmares, instead of heavens, though when I am sane, my life is pretty good. When I think about it, I think that my sane life must be a dream too, so if only I could dream an even better life, I would be in paradise, but the truth is I treat my sane life as real most of the time. I also treat the psychotic relapses as real, which is why I find it so hard to get out of them. I know that life is a dream, but I forget it, and treat what I dream as real. On the other hand, knowing that it is a dream prevents me from doing anything much other than express myself because I don’t see the point in contributing to something that is not real. Dreams seem to come from consciousness which is why I express myself, trying to guide my consciousness to dream good things. This is the way in which I help myself. But I seem stuck, not going anywhere, until I relapse again, and go back into the hells. How can I rise? How can I produce something of worth in the real world? How can I not see myself as a failure? How can I get into the position to have a family? These are the questions I ask myself. Thank you.
Paragraphs are good.
I will whole heartedly agree schizophrenia is work, every day I have to work on keeping my sanity. It gets easier with time, and good medication, some therapy.
Sometimes all we can do at the time is process our experiences, and remind ourself about what’s real, sometimes needing the help of others.
But if you still have the drive, and don’t give up trying, you’ve got a pretty good shot at accomplishing something great, whatever that may turn out to be.
Keep fighting the illness, stay on your meds, and use your tools, everything else will come in time with Initiative and a healthier mind.
Wishing you well Gagis.
It is definitely a significant burden.
There is a wide array of problems.
The charm is to work with what you have and try to make progress.
So I am thinking about how I can apply myself better as a schizophrenic.
I managed to set up a website offering voluntary services in advice, maths tuition and massage, but haven’t had any responses yet.
I got a form for volunteering at the Oxfam bookshop again, but still feel too restless.at the moment.
I did a peer support course at a recovery college a couple of years ago, but have yet to follow it up.
“Look up at the mountain, I have to climb, guess I’ll take my time”
So today I applied to volunteer as a Samaritan and a counsellor for Mind in Haringey. No one got back to me, which is a shame, because I think I would be good at it. To be honest, it might be too demanding for me at the moment, but I’m quite pleased that I made the effort to try and volunteer. We’ll just have to see what the future brings. Thank you.
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