Hello all, this is my first post here. I am new to the site.
I have been diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder, but am in a state of confusion regarding some symptoms that I experience. I will give you guys a little background on my situation.
Currently, I do not see a therapist, which I struggled with in the past anyway. I went to my appointments when I felt like it, not when they were scheduled. I have also had to live in a female-only home for six months for rehabilitation. I was not functional enough to meet societal standards at that point in time, approaching two years ago. Living there is when I received my diagnosis, as I was in even more of a crisis point having to live with nine other women in a small space under constant supervision of cameras and house monitors, which the other women didn’t really struggle with. None of them had much of the same issues I was struggling with mentally.
I am not on medications anymore. I always didn’t appreciate my Seroquel. I have been on multiple antidepressants since I was a teen, but none had the effect they were attempting to achieve. I have always been a flat, depressing, paranoid hermit. CBT didn’t do much except give me more insight as to why I am vastly different from most around me. I still have no interest in doing more with myself, being more social, or anything great that a normie might have interest in doing. Thus, my diagnosis of SPD.
Regardless, I do believe I might be hearing things? This has always been a thing with me. I never really gave it much thought, though, because it almost always was there.
I am regularly in “the zone”, as a relative of mine defined it when I was a child. Spaced out, intense thinking, listening, observing, analyzing, doing absolutely nothing according to those that witness me doing this. But, to me, it is a critical part of my functioning. I do “nothing” all the time. I am sure some here could relate. But this is when it can come out the strongest, but not always.
The symptoms I am confused about are my two types of thinking that I experience. Often they happen simultaneously. When I was in the home, I attempted describing it only to be shut down by VERY confused looks and “what are you talking about” by my peers there. I never brought it up again. One part of it is my regular thoughts. Like my decision making thinking. The other part is there. Always. Like a tick. Like a mosquito flying around my ears but I just can’t swat it away. Buzzing, chatter, laughing, negativity, stop-me-in-my-tracks, random, uncontrollable, NOISE. But it is inside my head. I don’t hear it in the environment around me. I get worse at night. I have been told that it is common for those on the spectrum to potentially get worse at night? I experience geometric and shadowy hallucinations at night.
Often I find myself involved with the senseless noise. I will listen for hours. It will be the most random things if I can actually make out words from it. Sometimes it is just similar to television static.
I had a therapist that constantly asked me if I hear voices. The answer was always no. I don’t “hear” anything. He would mention that I often seem like I am listening to something from somewhere, or that something is constantly distracting me. It’s not voices, it is more like thoughts. It would pop into my head to possibly mention that to him, but I would convince myself it was irrelevant. Sometimes I would blame it on anxiety, but I never felt like that was quite the answer, either.
Does anyone possibly have any type of knowledge or experience on this? If I need to clarify more, I gladly will.