Schizoid PD symptoms?

Hello all, this is my first post here. I am new to the site.

I have been diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder, but am in a state of confusion regarding some symptoms that I experience. I will give you guys a little background on my situation.

Currently, I do not see a therapist, which I struggled with in the past anyway. I went to my appointments when I felt like it, not when they were scheduled. I have also had to live in a female-only home for six months for rehabilitation. I was not functional enough to meet societal standards at that point in time, approaching two years ago. Living there is when I received my diagnosis, as I was in even more of a crisis point having to live with nine other women in a small space under constant supervision of cameras and house monitors, which the other women didn’t really struggle with. None of them had much of the same issues I was struggling with mentally.

I am not on medications anymore. I always didn’t appreciate my Seroquel. I have been on multiple antidepressants since I was a teen, but none had the effect they were attempting to achieve. I have always been a flat, depressing, paranoid hermit. CBT didn’t do much except give me more insight as to why I am vastly different from most around me. I still have no interest in doing more with myself, being more social, or anything great that a normie might have interest in doing. Thus, my diagnosis of SPD.

Regardless, I do believe I might be hearing things? This has always been a thing with me. I never really gave it much thought, though, because it almost always was there.

I am regularly in “the zone”, as a relative of mine defined it when I was a child. Spaced out, intense thinking, listening, observing, analyzing, doing absolutely nothing according to those that witness me doing this. But, to me, it is a critical part of my functioning. I do “nothing” all the time. I am sure some here could relate. But this is when it can come out the strongest, but not always.

The symptoms I am confused about are my two types of thinking that I experience. Often they happen simultaneously. When I was in the home, I attempted describing it only to be shut down by VERY confused looks and “what are you talking about” by my peers there. I never brought it up again. One part of it is my regular thoughts. Like my decision making thinking. The other part is there. Always. Like a tick. Like a mosquito flying around my ears but I just can’t swat it away. Buzzing, chatter, laughing, negativity, stop-me-in-my-tracks, random, uncontrollable, NOISE. But it is inside my head. I don’t hear it in the environment around me. I get worse at night. I have been told that it is common for those on the spectrum to potentially get worse at night? I experience geometric and shadowy hallucinations at night.

Often I find myself involved with the senseless noise. I will listen for hours. It will be the most random things if I can actually make out words from it. Sometimes it is just similar to television static.

I had a therapist that constantly asked me if I hear voices. The answer was always no. I don’t “hear” anything. He would mention that I often seem like I am listening to something from somewhere, or that something is constantly distracting me. It’s not voices, it is more like thoughts. It would pop into my head to possibly mention that to him, but I would convince myself it was irrelevant. Sometimes I would blame it on anxiety, but I never felt like that was quite the answer, either.

Does anyone possibly have any type of knowledge or experience on this? If I need to clarify more, I gladly will.

You need to mention this to your therapist. It sounds like internal auditory hallucinations. The visual hallucinations at night could be hypnagogic, but if you experience hallucinations in the daytime, or at least earlier than bedtime, it could mean your diagnosis is incorrect.

I used to experience them during the day quite a bit, but I worked on it. I was convinced that I had some type of eye damage. My therapist insisted that I get an eye exam to get that thought out of my head. There turned out to be nothing physically wrong with my eyes. Of course. Haha.

I still occasionally notice it during the day, but not so bad. I can’t look at anything for too long before it starts happening. I have just gotten in the habit of shifting my focus. But at night it is worse. Like right now it is night time and I looked up to see that there are patterns forming on the walls and the cabinets are breathing. It just happens.

The visual stuff never happened before until I hit a breaking point from huge amounts of stress. It lasted until my family pushed me into treatment when I was 18. It hasn’t quite stopped since. It used to be a lot more than just patterns and the like. That part has gotten better but the things in my mind have always happened my whole life.

One of my therapists informed me that is it possible to develop a diagnosis of schizophrenia from SPD I do believe? I never developed much of a feeling about it when I was told, but this hearing thing has me thinking about that, too. I think they were trying to convince me to stay on top of things since schizophrenia is more debilitating than just being schizoid.

I feel like I keep referring to what my therapists say instead of what I think/feel. I apologize for that. I don’t develop too much of my own identifiable feelings, which might be why I am struggling with whatever has been happening in my head. Poop.

It can get really annoying sometimes when the buzzing is happening because it makes it hard to focus on things like when someone is talking to me and I realize that I have been listening to the set of random thoughts or things in my mind instead of what they are saying.

What also confuses me is that I am in contact with reality, I do have the visual stuff going on, and I have started really questioning the noise. It hasn’t gotten worse, just paying attention to it happening. I have lost some contact before and that ended in me being admitted into treatment, but I am not diagnosed schizophrenic. It is odd to me, but I am no therapist, just a thinker.

Tell a psychiatrist these symptoms.