Not good…not good. One of my mood swings again. I’ve been obsessing over how at work today I couldn’t remember the tips to tell this one Mom of a student of mine who found out she may be having asthma reactions to the water I learned about swimming with asthma from a past student & teacher. The mom and student really like me and I feel like I let them down. And my other student in that class, she has a serious allergy to peanuts & sometimes we give out chocolate as a treat and I didn’t give her any but sometimes they fall in pool and she’s acted really weird the past couple classes gasping and just not swimming well and it’s the second time I called her parents out because I was concerned but it was nothing. And I feel embarrassed about that even though they were glad I was concerned.
I can’t stop obsessing over these things and other little things I did wrong today or feel I didn’t do well enough. Makes me feel like crap. I’m getting that urge like I want to die again and was saying I just want to die. Father stopped me and said “Why do you want to die?” And I realized I was having another of my mood swings. (I was doing fine earlier…) I have restarted taking depakote though but what if it’s not working anymore? But I’ve also only been back on for a couple weeks. I don’t know. This isn’t right. Or am I feeling this way because my ptsd has been flaring up again lately? Ugh I hate this. I feel like I let the parents of my students down.
summary: I’m obsessing over small things that aren’t really issues and that I shouldn’t feel bad about by any means but I do. Having another mood swing and feeling horrible want to die. Scared because I have been on depakote again for like 2 weeks now that it’s not working. But also my ptsd has been flaring up so could be that. Either way I’m miserable currently.