they gave me an open backed hospital gown after my instructions on my attire as well. No facemask, though.
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What are your thoughts on Ed Hardy? I watched a fantastic documentary about his life
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I think I drink to ānumb outā too. I mean I get stressed over nothing.
People drink or get addicted to stuff to cope or get self medicated or to block emotions. People can get addicted to knowledge and silly stuff evenā¦
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I had to Google him to see what he was well known for, but Iāve heard of his clothing line before.
I donāt really know too much about the guy to form an opinion.
Did you used to skate?
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I used to listen to this song when I was about 11 years old by Peter Paul and Mary called Stewball about a racehorse.
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I think I drink to feel more heights of emotion.
Iām getting sick of it. All vice has become blah!
I lost my mojo and I found it today mowing the lawn.
I think the old zen adage āA day of no work is a day of no eatingā is proving to be true for me
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Idk the economics of groceries in your area, but in my city you can buy a 12 pack of Shasta for only 5$.
I got one earlier today of their cola flavor. Itās not Coke but it does the job.
Maybe just try and stick with regular sodas and stuff like that.
Those damn energy drinks have God knows what in them.
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He was a tattoo artist. Totally innovative on the west coast. Sold his brand and it became the bizarre club clothing it is today.
I sucked at skating but I loved the art. I had a ācreatureā shirt that I still remember lol.
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I quit drinking and marijuana and I noticed when I mow the lawn I can make it the whole cut without my legs giving out. I wanted emotion to. I picked the vape back up and now Iām going crazy with emotion.
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Vaping leads to emotion for you? Thatās surprising
I have a lot of anger, I guess. Iām feeling more emotions off the drinks. I donāt know. Iām clueless. I get angry because Iām being interrupted or asked to do stuff around the house and I help, but really deep down inside want to be left alone most times.
Like now we are supposed to cut the grass, I guess. I get it. But I told them I need to do stuff. My step-father buys crap, then we gotta take care of it. And Iām expected to help/contribute. I guess I shouldnāt complain. Itās stupid to me.
He bought plants we donāt need. Now I gotta water them, cut the grass (help), and move ā ā ā ā around but not thow it away or really do a deep clean. I gotta clean my room and do my own stuff and crap. I signed up for stuff and I struggle. I want to do that coursera course.
Iām probably only gonna cut the grass for an hour tomorrow. Itās not a lot of work. We have a half an acre lot I suspectā¦
I help my mom and brother, but someitmes they can be lazy too. Iām probably the laziest but feel like I got an excuse lolā¦
I have resentment and built up anger but was told not to bring up the past and negatives. Itās almost like I got a good long term memory or photographic/savant long term memory for certain things, but I donāt know/care anymore. Thatās for the therapists to talk to me about, but they donāt want to engage my delusions or validate them, which I understand and get now. I do wonder if I got a personality disorder too like NPD, but donāt know or understand or care. I have problems with empathy or sympathy or did before I got sza/sz but seem to have done a full stop or 180 degree turn lolā¦
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I was crying with emotion today. Because I finally got to get around to doing things. I finally straighten my basement up which was so Packed there was no place to walk. I donāt cry in front of people but I was by myself and crying. And it was way better than the apathy with the negative symptoms of SZ. I am motivated again.
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This is kind of cool
I knew a kid who was obsessed with odd future
He couldnāt skate wellā¦ But he had all their gear
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Itās difficult to feel invested in other peopleās projects. Marx talks about this.
Thereās something like flow when you are making what you want to make happen, happen.
But I would advise adapting to your familyās whims and proving to them that you are able
That way you will grow and get closer to your goals. Even if you donāt know what those goals are yet.
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Ya, energy drinks are weird. Thought I was in quantum superposition and stuff and had most if not all of my āpast lifeā memories and crap from different lives. Itās just psychosis, but feels more real than real or something.
Probably just dopamine acting weird in the brain, I suppose. I got delusions. Too much dopamine can wreck the mind and brain with sz/sza.
I donāt know how many delusions I got. Itās like magical thinking or grandiose or imagination or fantasy, I was told.
I always thought energy drinks was a better addiction than most things including drugs. It probably is.
Iām not sure, but I havenāt had mania really ever. Not sure why I got bipolar type. Iām usually depressed anyways. Iām not the doctor though.
Basically, I had the delusion I reincarnate or experience a fake immortality. I believe Iāve lived over a billion past lives but in the same life like eternal return or eternal recurrence, which some slight changes. I donāt remember my childhood, but only remember my life much later on in life, which felt weird like amnesia or memory problems or loss, basicallyā¦
The nightmares are the worst tbh. I havenāt had them in a couple months or more.
Nietzsche???
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Ya, I guess. Not sure āwhat it isā or āwhat is happeningā but things do change, except my schizophrenia seems constant and the only āthingā that ādoesnāt changeā.
Worst bit was the feeling I woke up in a ācloning centerā while sleeping and seeing those āblack helicoptersā in my area that no one else sees. might be aliens or holograms or something. I even thought I had a brain implant. Sometimes, I see them in my sleep or when dreaming. The dreams do seem impossible to me lol and I might misinterpret my dreams for reality, I guess???
I guess thatās the sad part of schizophrenia.
Iāve got Adam Smiths Wealth of Nations and Keynes General Theory on its way. Woohoo. 
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Omg. I looked to see if I could find a video of the animatronic show and I found this creepy clip of some museum that has them. Totally wearing down 80ās animatronics with like eyeballs half popping out and skin falling off.
Scary stuff. Would almost be sad if it werent so frightening.
Having them play for your kids now would probably have them crying.
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Iāve got Thomas Paineās common sense Iāve been meaning to read it
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