I almost never talk to my mother, but I did tonight and now she has me worried about ovarian cancer because I was supposed to get a follow up ultrasound of some questionable cysts last year and I never did.
I see my PCP on Thursday and Iāll ask about getting the scan done then. But damn. Now sheās got my anxiety on edge.
Sorry @LED. I know when i get something like that on my mind i obsess over it. Hope you have peace as you wait on your doctors visit.
Right? I just kind of obsess. I donāt actually think I have cancer, but she gets in my head.
I dont understand how I can be sz/sza for 7 years and all of a sudden be bipolar. I mean how the ā ā ā ā can I be in a constant state of bipolar depression/mania for 7 years? I drink energy drinks every day but they help with depression and dont seem to cause full blown mania. Iām thinking about quitting them. I wonder if cigs are even goodā¦
I know diet and exercise are important.
Basically, Iām thinking I havenāt been psychotic for 7 years straight. I have a severe mood disorder, but how can that last and disable me for 7 years? I know Aps take away my motivation and give me negative symptoms. I figured that much out. Vraylar seems to work well for me.
Aps also cause me to eat more and gain weight, but I think my doctor said I need them for now, which is fine by me.
I lack insight into my mood. I mean isnāt that common? I know right now Iām depressed because of my situation and lack of motivation and not having a job. Being obese doesnāt help.
I feel slight mania/hypomania sometimes. I do get paranoia sometimes but I think it is normal in my case to have a little bit. But I rather not have it.
Iām not sure if I have another condition going on like Aspergers. I really dont know.
If I dont have caffeine I get really down, I get bored, and get depressed. I feel I must be productive.
I might look into joining a bipolar forum.
Iām sza bipolar type and i have looked into other forums besides this one, for sz, sza and bipolar since my diagnosis kind of skirts the line between them all. This has by far been the most helpful one iāve found. Hope you can find what you need though.
Takin seroquel this week here and there but still not sleeping
Somethings off with the circadian thing, i wanna make it better!
Might read some google knowledge of dubious scientific credibility
Get that nonsense back in order, yknow?
my circadian thing is wacked out too
So I have a phone call for a digital marketing apprenticeship tomorrow. Iām pretty nervous as I have been out of work for a while and have modest at most experience with marketing. Makes me really want a cigarette. Maybe I should just chew on the nicotine gum and quit when I have my schedule filled up. Otherwise ramping up stresses while I am quitting makes it all more difficult. Idk
Iām really on the edge of smoking one. I know I shouldnāt but the stress of the upcoming call makes me really want some instant release. I wish my mom didnāt just have cigarettes, it really makes it ten times more difficult to stop
I ended up smoking one. I made it 48 hours without smoking so Iām at least happy for that. I already feel why I wanted to quit. Although there is an immediate release, I also begin feeling slowed down quickly after. My poor lil heart must be suffering. Iāll just pick up where I left off. I donāt want to want to feel enslaved to the nicotine and I especially donāt want to clog my circulatory system worse than it already is. Iāll be better ready for stressors next time.
Eff smoking. I must quit. I must develop healthy coping mechanisms to stress. That is my main barrier to quitting. How do people manage stress without cigarettes? That is the flaw in my plan last time
Great day today!
I felt peaceful and was nice to customers:)
Up early after barely 6 hours of sleep. Yawn! Good thing my painting group has coffee!
I had at least 6 hours just in naps Sunday, now up at 1 am lol, no worries though will still get another 3 hours sleep shortly
Iām at work. Fingers crossed that the next three hours pass by quickly!
Coffee time 
good morning guys!
15
Good Morning, woke up with a headache 
My head hurts, i took ibuprofen, since an hour ago and itās not going away. I am in pain
i started with 5 ibuprofen for a toothache, by now i need 8
I just talked to my landlord again. He said if I donāt come up with the money soon, Iāll be evicted with 3 days notice, even though theyāre not allowed to so that.
I have already applied for welfare to cover this months rent, and I told him that several times, but he said he canāt wait forever for them to process the application, and that I should ask my parents for money.
I found that a bit rude tbh.
I know my mother would help me in a heartbeat if I asked, but I really donāt want to take advantage of that.
I feel stressed out over this, and the stress makes me passive. I know it should be rent before bills, but I got some bills I couldnāt postpone and they ate my entire budget.
Itās not fair. It shouldnāt be this hard. 
Oh, and before anyone mentions my friendā¦ Donāt. He got himself a job, so once the trial period is over, I wonāt be giving him money.
ā¦ and the money Iāve given him wouldnāt cover rent anyways.