psychosis was the scariest thing in my life at times, i find a lot of your posts interesting not for any bad reasons but for some reason it seems like you have been through a lot of pain and suffering, i really hope you are doing ok now and that your move goes well
i have been outside a lot more skateboarding, playing basketball, and chopping down wood from the tree to carve stuff my 3 bottles of cbd vape juice came in the mail but i cant use them until my new tank comes in i really hate waiting for stuff to come in the mail, but i have something else coming in the mail today,
i feel like ordering stuff online is the only way i can feel like i have something coming in i spend too much money on stuff i probably donāt need but i think i do it because i never get mail from anyone and i donāt have any friends so usually i am just at home trying to find stuff to do and buying stuff that i can do things with,
usually even when i donāt have money i am looking at ebay at knives and stuff because i am starting a knife collection i have 2 knives right now and they are pretty good but i put one of them through a lot of work batoning wood and carving stuff it is starting to wobble a little and the thumb stud fell off but i put it back on,
I realized many old people still look at the world like it hasnāt changed. The woman in my workplace thinks I could make it big in the restaurant businessā¦not understanding that Iām only there because I have a disabilityā¦and it takes schooling and certifications to get big in the restaurant business these days!!! But she believes Iām there training to become some big time chef or something. I told her I wasnāt really sure and she was like āwell youāll find your way!!!ā They always think everything will work out too. Maybe it does. But it isnāt as pretty as it seems often.
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Iām sure everyone here has been through their fair share of horrors. Going through my journals sure makes me sad though. But the past is the past, nothing to be done about it.
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After a couple of hard days working all over the country, I finally had a nice day off and slept through till mid day hah. Seeing a doctor next week, supposedly to get a diagnosis (again) and if she insists I take meds then it might mean me being signed off work for a whileā¦ If that happens I pretty much lose my flat and have to find someone with a spare floor to sleep on. Eeek scary life events! Iāve managed to stay completely sober for a while now so feel I am back on track with recovery.
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My mom made homemade fried chicken corn salad after I worked out. I waited an hour after I worked out for it to be ready but it was well worth the wait. I told her āitās better than KFCā¦but not better than Popeyesā. Really was better then both though I told her I was joking.
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Home made food can be such a delight n so nourishing.
Glad you enjoyed your dinner.
We are cooking chicken stew in slow cooker.
I have been almost a week or so with out medication.
First few days were horrid but had a good couple of days too.
Still may start geodon Monday cause usually takes a month for medication to leave body etc
I love my boyfriend.
I reckon I want to marry him but worry so much about things.
I think we have potential to become great together and be good to and for each other.
I think we can improve and our beings and bodies come together better and unite in sacred union and steady stable strong relationships that not so easy to break us up all those that wanna.
I found another man beautiful and funny I think.
But I adore my boyfriend.
He is great and I want him to be happy and pleased with me and enjoy me and if we donāt have same humour maybe some time we do cause.
Hope he is willing to go all way with me and commit and etc
Blessed be!
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i am loving this song
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
fantasize about yourr legs and thighs
cut through me with yourr knives and eyes
wait for me until the time is right
i see you there
i lose my mind
and sometimeās i go through you there
i looked you up on computers there
old pictures
new feelings
new windows up to the ceilings thereā¦
and sometimes iām mad at you but still in love with that attitude
itās back to you
do you still love me like that?
call me backā¦
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I was offended the other day because according to my housing contract, emotional support animals canāt be tied up outside when you go into a building. What do you mean I canāt just attach my ratās leash to a pole so I can go in and take care of business?! 
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A friend of mine got upset with me today and said Iām being passive aggressive towards him. I told him I donāt know what he was talking about and he said ok. I think heās upset with me because he is used to having control and I wouldnāt give him that. But he doesnāt understand that so he gets mad and projects it onto me. But since he cut the conversation short, Iāll give him the chance to think about it for awhile and talk to him later. As for now, I am going to bed. Good night everyone.
Online I almost exclusively talk about my mental illness and the struggles that come with it. In reality, I NEVER talk about my mental illness to people, unless it is extremely bad and then I may reach out to a close friend. As a result of that I feel online I may be perceived as someone full of gloom and doom when the reality is that I just happen to use the internet as a venting ground since I donāt talk about any of this stuff offline 
Iām actually very uncomfortable talking about my feelings & experiences in person and will avoid doing so at all costs.
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I was feeling really positive today.
Then my boyfriends friend spoke to me with a bitchy tone .
Not really asking me for coffee but telling me in disrespectful way.
I was in no rush to make him coffee so my boyfriend made it instead.
I almost snapped at him but want to be polite and well mannered.
Ha has told my boyfriend he does not like me.
Then my bf complained a bit about something which pissed me off along with few other things.
Maybe his dog is his soulmate and Iām not n if Iām not then surely I have one somewhere.
I love him and want to give us a go but what level cause I was wanting all way out there but it may be vanilla sweet but not all the way which to me is total romance.
I miss my Neigher.
Darn!
I was feeling so positive and now Iām nolonger in good mood.
Hope you guys are well.
I read goodnight .
Good night to youzzzzz 
ļø
If someone else is in my body and they are angry etc but I am in other body but am cool n no dramazzzz are they projecting their ā ā ā ā on to me that they donāt want to feel n do they rather feel meā¦
So am I schizo cause of them n I feel their ā ā ā ā in my body that aināt fairā¦
Etc
I donāt want to feel some of thozzze yo.
I hear his ### say daddy f##### me .I wouldr just leave darn Iām not ok with that n would leave.he said he doesnāt n I hope he is trustworthy as his profile said he is.
I never went for my colonoscopy, I never ate and drank the stuff you had to, it was horrid, had a massive migraine, probably from not eating, then found out they said it would be cancelled if I took a cab, (have no one to drive me) tried calling them but no answer, so got worked up and took a ativan, then fell asleep and woke up to a mess to clean up, never going through that again, rather just not know
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Huh ? Why would they cancel the appointment if you took a cab to get there?!
They want someone there to escort you home after
Thatās weirdā¦ weāre talking about a colonoscopy here. Why on earth would you need someone to accompany you on the way back?
Anyway, Iām probably asking too many questions. Iām clueless about a lot of things 
Because you are put to sleep you are legally impaired when you go home
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Iād be too afraid to have a colonoscopy performed on me.
Check this out:
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neurological disorder sounds a lot better than mental illness or psychotic disorder but i donāt think this is a neurological disorder
the sedation came really quick today maybe because i ate small calorie dense food before taking my meds like peanut butter and milk so it digested quicker maybe and i also forced myself to wake up even tho i wasnāt that tired but my dreams were cool and now i donāt feel so much anxiety