I hurt myself a little while ago. I was downstairs, taking my meds, and I was almost at the bottom of the stairs up to my room when I had the sudden realization that there was something in the shadows in the living room. I immediately panicked, and bolted for the stairs, but I fell about halfway up and started thrashing, trying to get up and run but I kept falling, and I scraped up my forearms and elbows pretty good. I kept trying to tell myself, “there’s nothing there, there’s nothing there”, but then I’d be CERTAIN it was right behind me and I went right back into a panic. Eventually I made it up, shut myself into my room, and made sure it was safe. I babbled to myself a bit, pacing the floor, eventually curling up on the bed, hugging my blankets and rocking, until I was a little calmer. I then had to lay on the floor for a while until my heart slowed down and I could breathe.
This little scene just reminds me that even when I feel relatively okay, I’m always just one little nudge away from losing it completely. I’ve gotten so used to my hallucinations, my abnormal thoughts, that I tend to disregard them and think I’m fine when I’m actually very symptomatic. And then something like this happens, and I completely forget everything, all my rationalizations and logic, and I’m a terrified animal running for my life. Hey, at least it’s good cardio.
I hope your not too badly hurt. I hate when I have that sort of feeling. What little shred of lucid is screaming out that there is nothing there, but the rest of the body and brain just isn’t buying it. The times when I feel myself fall into a blind panic are the worst. I can’t even begin to calm myself down because I don’t know where to begin.
How have things been gong for you? Have you been getting any more commissions since the last one? Do you feel better when you have a project to work on?
I actually just took measurements for another commission tonight. $150, three items, just a bodice, pants, and a shirt. She didn’t want a skirt or a chemise, she was looking for a slightly more androgynous look but still feminine with the bodice, I think this’ll be perfect. Tomorrow I go to buy fabric, and Friday I pick up another $120 for ANOTHER commission, also three pieces. If only I could keep this pace up, I’d be good to go, but I think after this the customer base will have dried up.
You might have to try getting web site and start doing mail order stuff. Even if it’s slightly generic like cloaks and skirts and SCA garb. If you could commission through Pyramid Clothing maybe? They feature small line, independent clothing designers. Gothic, steampunk, Garb, a host of range. The kid kid sis will sometimes pay way too much for a garment from them.
I’d rather work locally, that way I can take measurements myself. I’m planning on joining the local SCA chapter, I should get a decent amount of work from them.
Not huge, I’m near a group called Eisental. But they have regular meetings, I figure I can attend, start networking and making friends. But of course I’d want to be somewhat more stable first, it wouldn’t be good for business if I scared everyone away with my antics.
Yeah, tell me about it. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, I’m gonna ask to be put back on Risperidone, just a higher dose. If I have side effects, so be it. I’m almost at the point where I think it’d be better to just turn into a zombie and stop caring about anything. I just want peace.
I can understand that. There comes a point where the symptoms are to much. After they get knocked back a little, you’ll get stronger and readjust and then you’ll be unstoppable. You’re so talented.
Aw, you’re making me blush! It’s also the reason I’m not really afraid of hospitalization any more. Even if it’s degrading, or dehumanizing, and even if they drug me up into a stupor, at least I won’t have to worry about anything. Just take some time to decompress, away from any social obligations, where maybe I can stop trying to hide and just be myself, as messed up as I am. No internet, no phone, I’ll bring a book or two with me, maybe a sketchbook and some pencils, and take the time to get better in an environment that’s a lot less stressful than my current life.
I wish I could view hospitals as good places to heal and decompress. Maybe someday. Actually, if I play my cards right, I’ll never have to see one again.
Fear: I’m doing costume commissions for spare cash. It’s not really a job, I go at my own pace, and it’s only what I can handle. But I’m nowhere near making a career out of it.
Lucy: SCA stands for “Society for Creative Anachronism”, it’s a Medieval and Renaissance reenactment organization, it spans the globe, hundreds of thousands of members, all dressing in interesting clothes and hitting each other with sticks (or just hanging out and playing at being from the past for fun).