The last couple years I’ve become very negative. In some ways I always have been, for example I’ve always been pretty pessimistic when it comes to what I think life can offer someone with severe mental illness. Part of that is because I suffer with several co morbid anxiety disorders, including GAD, SAD and OCD which make life very uncomfortable. But in the past few years I’ve become very cynical when it comes to what I think about my family and people in general. Some of it’s warranted. My family growing up was extremely toxic and dysfunctional. My dad had a violent temper. He was abusive in pretty much every way a person can be with the exception of it getting physical very often. My mom is generally a good person but she was incapable of showing any kind of real affection or providing emotional support. The only person my dad abused more than me was her and from what she’s told me her dad was the same way so her shortcomings make total sense. My sister has become a nightmare in adulthood. She is pathologically selfish and emotionally abusive to everyone she gets close to. It’s maddening because she is very active in the community and from what I can tell has a pretty good reputation. So everyone thinks she’s this great person, meanwhile she treats the whole family like ■■■■ half the time and uses us all like we work for her. I almost feel bad complaining about her because even though I’ve been the target of her rage plenty of times I probably get it the least. The way she treats my mom and her husband are insane. When me and my mom argue and things get heated I like to make a point of telling her that her and my father are a huge reason I ended up in the situation I’m in. She always makes the point that if the way she raised me was the problem then why isn’t my sister sick. Well it’s becoming very obvious that my sister is an extremely unhealthy person. If I wasn’t sick I would get as far away from my family as possible. Makes me feel trapped. Any way these kinds of thoughts along with paranoia and some mild delusions have me caught in a loop. I don’t want to be this way. I want to to be grateful and happy. I want work and support myself. I don’t want to be the dark person I’ve become.
It’s hard getting past all the family traumas. I’ve had them, and schiz did not help matters. Ruminating will not get you anywhere. You have to think about the issues with the goal of closure and finality, not just dwelling on it.
I think closure for me would be distance but I’m completely dependent on them right now. I’m trapped
Oh that’s tough. I just got away from my parents. The last few calls with my mom weren’t so good. I don’t talk to my dad. I could but he doesnt make an effort to talk to me either.
It’s the same way with my dad. The only reason we have any kind of relationship is because we’re connected through the rest of the family
You have actually taken the first step towards thinking more positive in realizing that you are negative - and it sounds like you have lot of reasons to be negative.
You can’t change your past or your family. You can only change yourself. Have you tried therapy or counseling?
Those 3, ocd, gad and sad are a nightmare alone so i think your doing really well considering your childhood and the mental illness. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you have severe inflicting health issues. Yes wouldn’t we all just like to snap out of our humble existence sometimes and have another life? Do your best and keep reaching out thats all most of us can do
I’m in therapy and have a great counselor. She’s probably the reason I’m posting about this right now. We’ve been talking about other issues but I’ll probably bring up what I talked about here when I see her tomorrow.
I feel you man. … I don’t know what a toxic family is like but I have become way more cynical and even bitter over the course of my mental illness. I have anxiety and OCD too so I know exactly what you mean about life being uncomfortable. Only thing I can say is keep your head up and if you can take small steps …do it to eventually distance yourself from your family if they are still really toxic.
Its hard having a difficult upbringing, i kept my experiences of abuse well hidden from everyone i barely even told my fella. But it eats away at you. Im glad your getting therapy. I couldn’t benefit from therapy i couldn’t put everything into words id clam up.
Idk
Just take care of yourself
Have you tried taking something for anxiety before therapy? I don’t want this to sound like I’m encouraging substance misuse but I remember reading about MDMA and ketamine assisted psychotherapy. Im not saying to do that but maybe something like visteral or a low dose of Alprazolam would help you get it out there.
Maybe try working with the elderly or disabled children to begin with and build on your social skills a bit, earn a bit of money and see where you go from there. You have to start somewhere
Thanks man. Yeah they’re still very much toxic. I’m gonna talk about it in therapy tm. I gotta start taking some steps to put some space between me and them.
I have never touched drugs apart from prescription. I have Diazapam. I dunno i might give therapy another go soon if its available here.
Thanks
Im a huge bottle upper. Sometimes i get bad nights but i won’t go there.
Ive ran away several times
God my life has been a disaster in many ways lol
Im always seeing glass half empty
Cheers! 
It’s hard to be a positive person even when you’ve been dealt a descent hand. I don’t think anyone could blame a schizophrenic for ending up a little cynical
Tbh i feel for you single folk the most, it must be a lot more difficult being sz and single . I bounce thoughts and ideas off my husband a lot and he keeps me on the straight and narrow. Id be truly more bad without him. So yeah it is always just that bit easier when your in a good relationship
I had similar issues and it turned out to be bipolar related.
I’ve got some close friends I can talk to thank god. But I was on my own emotionally for a couple years. Definitely harder when you don’t have people to bounce your thoughts off.